Long Time No Blog

I haven't posted in a while.  Mostly because life has been crazy and I got sick.  Yea, the first five weeks of school and I have a killer cold.  It was much worse last Thursday and Friday.  I'd leave the building unable to speak because my throat was so raw.  Now, it's morphed into the sneezing, coughing, and runny nose from hell. My chest hurts whenever I cough and I am constantly in need of tissues, but there are worse things, right?  I guess I'd much rather be here dealing with these things than the sore throat issue.

But, onto some positive, school related blogging.

To start with my one student I will talk about, I want to highlight a really excellent writer who actually tries very hard in class.  Her enthusiasm is often contagious and I can so see parts of myself in her, especially 7th/8th grade me (in mostly good ways).  I really think she makes improvements and wants to write, which is drastically different than some of the other students.  I did have one problem with a student today, and that was frustrating.  I hate when kids outright disrespect me by saying I'm not a teacher.  That pisses me off.  I was telling a kid to sit in his seat (they have this bad habit of making themselves fall out of their chairs) and he was blaming someone else, so I told him I didn't want to hear it because the other person was across the room and he was like "You're not even a teacher," and my hand ITCHED to smack him.  I so wanted to.  It would have been easy.

But, I restrained myself and told him that the way he was acting made me believe he wanted to call his mother and explain to her what he was saying to teachers who were just trying to help keep him on track.  He apologized and we made a deal about the chair issue, but it still makes my skin crawl.  I hate that.  I am a teacher, dammit!

Along with that, (this is two days later, by the way), I just had my first truly cry worthy moment, to me anyway.  I was in class and a student had their hand up for help.  I went over to her and she said she didn't want my help, she wanted Mr. R's help.  When I asked why, her response was, "You don't know enough about writing.  Mr. R makes all of the lessons and he knows more."

It just cut through me.  I thought I had a really good relationship with that student and she was rude to me for the rest of class.  I just felt so horrible.  I know it's not about me and that they were just tired and exhausted from yesterday (I will get to that), but it was hard.  I talked with another coworker about it, and that was good.  Another student, at the end of class, asked for my help and that made me feel better.  Some students really buy-in to my position as CO-TEACHER in the classroom.  Not just Mr. R's assistant, similar to a magician's assistant.

But, to get to something positive: we went on retreat yesterday with our seventh graders.  They drove us out to Yonkers, essentially, to the woods, and made us do outdoor activities all day.  I picked a group to be with that was legitimately like a group of kids who snorted pixie sticks and then chugged twelve red bulls.  As a result, a leisurely hike on a trail turned into a mad dash through the actual woods.  Everything was ten thousand times harder.  But, the boys wanted to have fun and they certainly made it their prerogative to do so.  There were a few hiccups, but our team the Hunters did have a good banner and a fun cheer, so that was good.

The only place I think something like that could grow in the future was a time for reflection.  The whole point of the retreat was to create community, but we never got the chance to really go on that.  None of the kids got to talk about how their community was broken, nor did they get to reflect on our guest speaker's words.  She talked about how "hurt people hurt people," "are we our brother's/sister's keepers?" and the impact of self-esteem on how treat one another.  Those three topics could have been enough to fill up a thousand workshops with discussions for students to really reflect on.

However helpful team activities and trust activities are, they don't really get the point through to kids.  It didn't really sink in WHY they were trying to create community.  It felt more like field day than it did about a time to really tackle some of the issues they are having.

But, nothing can be perfect, and the kids did really enjoy it, despite it's lack of focus on their immediate issues.  I think, in some ways, it failed to meet its purpose.  But in others it was a good way to get the kids out of the building and working together on something.  Even if they didn't make the connections that I think would have helped them make more sense and meaning out of the things they did.

Otherwise, TODAY (the day after) was a fairly normal day.  Kids were crazy, but that's to be expected.

I do want to end on something positive:  I got evaluated on Tuesday and my supervisor though that what I was doing with my eighth grade students was great.  I got a good review and she wrote lots of things she liked, as well as giving me an idea for something that my cooperating teacher and I can do (write a letter home with progress information that isn't a progress report, something far less formal) that parents can use to motivate their children and request assignments the kids have missed in order to get them more grades in the grade book.

Just tough!

Ah well, tomorrow is another day!

The First Bad Day

Today is my first real bad day.

I just want to cry.

Last night I went to a fundraising event in Midtown after a long day at work: I didn't leave the building until 7:15 PM.  Then I went straight to the event.  Everyone there looked like super models.  I shit you not, I even heard one woman talking about runways, so if she wasn't a model: she's certainly been near them in real life.  And I waltz in, disheveled, like a hot mess, and that's the start of a wonderful evening of feeling totally amazing about myself.

Then, I went home and went to bed.  Nothing exciting.

Came in this morning, had no idea what I was doing and kind of just winged it.  I helped out a colleague doing his copying, helped someone else do copying (yay glorified secretary) and started the day.  It started so well, doing everything I needed to do, helping students who needed help, doing drawings and decorating - pulled out the stickers and had everyone going.

That was great.

Find out that later, our department head sat in on the class and hated it.  Hated everything we'd been doing, wanted a more organic writing feeling to it.  So, I felt a bit crushed, needless to say, since a lot of the past week has been my doing.

Then, the rest of the day continues.

We have an assembly. During class time.

That's a huge deal.  Our school believes things about school and the importance of class time, so it's kind of insane that it happened that way.  But we filed downstairs and the kids all got a talk based on the actions of some scholars in the community yesterday, as well as a bullying issue.  It was sobering, and watching the principal and the students the way they were, it was devastating.

In addition, when we got back the whole grade was silent.  We did journaling (thank God for writing class) and the kids were behaviorally good, but then the next class came in and I snapped at some of them, and I felt bad because I'm not that kind of person, and it just frustrates me that I let myself get that way when it wasn't even a class I was supposed to push into.  I just feel so bad about the way I reacted, particularly with one student who probably didn't deserve my snap.  I wrote her a note apologizing, but she barely read it and threw it back on the table, which made me feel worse because I ruined a relationship with a student.

I just feel so bad.  Like, I didn't handle things right today and I feel bad about the kids, and I kind of feel homesick for some of the people I really miss from Boston.  I'm kind of lonely too, I won't lie.  Sigh.

I just suck.

Better Late Than Never: End Week 2/Begin Week 3

So this Friday was definitely the hardest I've dealt with so far. This morning wasn't bad, I watched a different teacher this morning, and I knew we had to do something different with our do nows.  I just couldn't handle the constant screeching and terror that happens when they're doing their do nows.  I want them to be quiet, to be writing, and actually getting stuff done.  It's two weeks into school, that shouldn't be impossible.

If they're expected to do it in every single class, let's make it every single class.

So, I had to enforce it pretty strong and for my second class of the day.  It was taking 25 minutes for the do now to happen.  That is completely ridiculous because they know how to behave, and they can do it in five minutes without a problem.  But they kept at it, and I stopped everyone.  I told them that the next times I had to reset the clock, from that point on, was going to be one minute after school for every single time. And, of course, they pushed it and earned two minutes of detention after school. On a Friday.

It was really rough for them.  They were sulky the whole rest of the period, but I didn't really have to do much in the way of classroom management.  They were just blah.  But, they didn't get upset, truly, they dealt with it because they knew they messed up.  But, it sucks to have to be mean.  I'm not really that kind of person, and I hope the kids know that.

Which leads me to discussing my goal for last week.  It had been my intention and goal to get the kids into the room and silent within three minutes.  I set up a challenge with the goal of getting LiveSchool money in their accounts.  Neither of my classes were able to do it (though they got close).  I reconfigured however, and now I have a better system.  We just need to assign two notebook hand-out people for weekly jobs, so that not everyone is crowding the bookshelf and that things can be significantly less hectic as time goes by.

I think the five minutes of silence during the do now is going to work though, and that gives you a chance to catch up with the kids who really need that quiet - and a check-in to do their work.

We'll see how that goes this week.

I'm getting observed again on Wednesday, not sure of the time, but we'll see how that goes.  Wish me luck!

Week Two (Thousand?)

This week has been a rough one so far, friends.

Kids are crazy.  Let's be real: seventh grade kids are crazy.

I taught a lot this week, and that wasn't too bad, but I've felt like I've left every day with a sore throat because of the volume that I have to be at constantly.  Our rooms have super high ceilings, so the din is always incredible, and beyond that sometimes you just have to yell to get their attention.  It's really insane.

I also don't eat during the day, and I don't drink anything (because the water is almost always gone), so I am exhausted and dehydrated by the time I walk out.  It's probably a very bad habit, and something I need to seriously work on, but honestly, it's not even the hunger that's a problem.  I don't even notice.  It's not drinking anything.  I need to get better at that.

On the bright side, I've made a plethora of different outfits so far and all the girls constantly compliment me on my fashion sense, which is both great and troubling.  On one hand, you wonder if you are chic - or on the other, if you dress like a 13 year old.

I like to think, however, that I am chic.

Other than that, I don't have much to report.  I'm very tired and tonight is expectations night - basically where we tell the parents what we expect and give them a chance to ask questions.  We'll see how that goes.  Wish me luck!

A Tale of Two Classrooms

Alright, so, today was definitely a tale of two classrooms.  There were a LOT of challenges going into today:

• It was almost a hundred degrees in NYC.  
• It is the 12th Anniversary of 9/11.  
• I thought I was having a sort of formal observation
• Some of the classes have been buck wild for the past couple of days.  

With all of this in mind, I was told, like 40 minutes before the day started, that I'd be lead teaching two of the classes that I work with.  This was a shock, because 1) I hadn't planned the lesson, so it was going with someone else's ideas, and 2) I haven't even like taught part of a lesson by myself up until this moment (at least here) and that was intense.  So, I had those 40 minutes to prep the lesson for my style.

It was a lesson about developing real or imagined narratives.  So, we were thinking of using pictures to help do that.  I found 9 classic photographs (The Times Square War Kiss, Child Labor, The Peace Protesters putting flowers in the muzzles of guns, Civil Rights, etc).  I used The War Kiss to model the activity, which was creating mind maps about the pictures, and then gave each group their own picture to make inferences to develop stories.  Then, they would independently create those stories during the practice time.

My first class was the one that was being observed.  I was wicked excited, because I had that cool idea, had everything done, and was ready to go.  But, I was also nervous because of everything that was happening AND in the middle of class there was going to be a moment of silence.  So, whatever they were doing, we'd have to stop dead and be silent, motionless, and reflective.  That's a BIG challenge for seventh graders.  I will admit, I was petrified.  I had all sorts of alarms set to make sure the kids were ready to go and I was pacing myself.

About 15 minutes into class, one of my coaches walked in and it was *really* show time.  They were EN FUEGO, seriously.  It was beautiful.  Granted, I told them that I was getting graded and that they had to be on their best behavior, but still.  They were awesome.  They participated actively in instruction, they were all raising their hands and desired to be called on.  They wanted to be part of what we were doing, and when the group activity part started, it was magic.  They were all making inferences like crazy.  It was beautiful.  They were writing, things were going great.

Then, noon happened.  It was so hot today and the building got absolutely disgusting.  The kids were so unhappy and everything was a mess.  I mean, it wasn't terrible.  It was just... loud and rowdy.  I just can't hear the kids in the room because it's so echo-y and there are at least 30 kids in each class.  It was just very long and I had been standing for three hours, so my feet were aching and I wanted to die.

The second half of the day is just... violent on my feet.

But, funny story from the playground, haha.  My co-teacher was going to get coffee and he asked me if I wanted one (iced, obviously) - and he delivered it to me on the playground, which was actually the nicest thing in the world - but the kids were like "OOOOOH MISS! HE YOUR BOYFRIEND?! OOOOOH MISSSSSSSS!" It was awkward and funny.  Mostly awkward.

Now, I'm just tired.

Alright, I can't be too thoughtful tonight, I just wanted to write something down.

The (Second) First Day

So yesterday was kind of a whirlwind.  I needed the night to process, reflect, and SLEEP.   

Starting with some positives, seeing kids after a while off was great.  They are so sweet, and the class I worked with over Leadership Week, when they came to writing class, was accusing me of being a traitor because I wasn't in reading class with them: not maliciously, of course, but kids don't know how to voice displeasure that you are not with them. I worked out with my mentor/their homeroom teacher that I could come in for advisory twice a week on my off periods.  Depending on what comes up, I am definitely going to try and make it to them once a week, at least, just to be involved and participate. 

The day itself was good. 

Classes were really good.  Kids were, of course, pushing things, but it is their nature.  The classes I was working with were great, they wanted to do things.  My end of the day class was a little bit of a hot mess, but only because it was the end of the day and we forgot the class was shortened so we didn't get to the crux of what we wanted to, but it was okay because the kids were silently reading and that was awesome, especially after the little bit of a tug of war to get them to do it. 

The only terrible part was recess.  It's two hours of awful.  We spend 80 minutes of it just walking to and from the park, and the remaining 40 minutes standing around.   It works out to each class walking to and back from the park for 20 minutes and having between 5-10 minutes outside to play.  It seems completely ridiculous.  One of the other TAs seemed just as boggled about it as I was, because it was just riling the kids up to bring them right back inside.  I'm just not about recess.

After the day was over, I didn't really have much to do, so I packed up and left around 5, but I headed to the front office to drop off the walkie talkie I needed to get (Ugh - they're such a pain to carry around) and the head of the Humanities department was there, and he asked about my day, and I let him know that the day itself was good, but I was having some problems with other things, and I got to talk to him about the frustrations I was feeling.  

I think the following quote really sums up some of the things I was feeling about my lack of responsibilities and seemingly productive work:

"Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I'm ready to be responsible for something, at the very least, and thus, I'm itching for something productive to do, but don't have it.   He asked me to send him an email summing up our convo and he would work on it.  It feels good to have someone else on it too, considering all of my attempts thus far have fallen flat.

But now (I just realized I forgot to put make-up on this morning. Yikes...) it's weekly goal time.  I think my goal this week is to survive, haha.  By that, I mean be flexible, do what I'm asked, and make my presence helpful to both the students and the teachers.  I don't really have expectations beyond that, except that I'm getting observed tomorrow, and that's it's own dilemma.  I've resigned myself to that one, however, and I know I am not going to score well.  I am hoping for twos, to be honest.  That's at least "developing." 

Now, onto Day 2.  Wish me luck!

Eye of the Hurricane

So, I'm reporting in the middle of my break from school.

Last week I took two of my New York State exams (I still have one more to take before I get my full conditional license).  The LAST (Liberal Arts and Science Test) was not so bad.  The writing sample was pretty easy, and the questions weren't too ridiculous.  I took it on the computer which was difficult, but I managed it because they gave us white board type things to take it with.  I used a TON of pages to take the test, but I wanted to make sure that I got stuff right.  Like I said, that one wasn't terrible.

The Social Studies CST (Content Specialization Test - I think that's right) was SO hard.  Like mind numbingly hard.  There were so many questions about economics and human geography.  I wanted to cry.  I used a ton of the pages on that white board packet as well.  The questions were just so difficult, I couldn't believe it.  The writing part, surprisingly, was super easy - which I was thankful for.  However, that won't matter much if I don't pass the whole test.

If I have to take it again I will be seriously lost.  Not only is it an expensive test, but it takes a ton of time (I was in the testing center for almost five hours for both), and there are limited dates.  Also part of this is the fact that I have to take another test in addition to those, and I won't know the results for a month.  If I don't pass, I won't be able to apply to graduate school because I won't have my license, and then I won't be able to be in the teaching corps anymore because I won't be filling the requirements of being a member.

It's so stressful.

I had lunch with a friend from UTC and hearing how she and her co-teacher have set up a relationship was so awesome, but kind of disheartening.  She is viewed as equivalent to the teacher, she teaches full parts of the lessons, and has it together in so many ways.  I'm still struggling with figuring out where my role in the classroom is and how my co-teachers view me/utilize me.

That brings me to the biggest anxiety of all: I have two observations this month, one in the first week of school.  I'm not lead teacher in my classroom, so I know I won't score very well because we're being evaluated on the Danielson rubric and it's really clear about the expectations it sets up for the evaluation process, and some of the categories just don't even apply to my position right now, so I can't score well on them.  I recognize that I cannot start strong.

I do not know everything, I cannot be anything other than basic or developing at this point, really, but that doesn't mean it makes me feel good.  I just wish I could be stronger.  I wish I could be better.

As someone who has always tied her self worth to the numbers on a rubric, or the grade on a transcript/report card, the idea of failure is so difficult to swallow.  I hate failing.  I know I have to work with what I have and do my best with the things I can do... I've never been distinguished as a bottom member of a pack before... I've always been in the front, a leader.

I won't be that now.  I'm going to suck.  I'm going to suck really hard.  And then I have to be okay with how much I suck and keep going.  I've never been good at that.  Usually, when I suck at something, I give up, and I'm not allowed to give up here.  I don't really want to give up.  I just know it's going to hurt, and I have to prepare to deal with that hurt.  I just have to keep telling myself that.

I'm reminded of the AA motto:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

The courage to change the things I can, 

And the wisdom to know the difference." 

Maybe I should write it on my arm for the next two weeks...

First Week: Finished

That's it! The first week of instruction is over.

It was kind of an introductory piece about getting used to the school and setting expectations for the students: that sort of thing.  It was also a nice way to meet a bunch of kids and start making relationships with them right off the bat.

There are a couple of kids that I really already want to follow up with all the time, even if I don't have them in classes.  I really don't know their last names yet (yikes), so I'll only be using first name initials as of right now.  O is a really sweet boy and I've helped him through a couple of homeroom assignments, which I think has set a really good tune.  And there are some girls who I cannot get enough of.  M and M (lol) are so sweet and tend to be shy, but they love to read and I sit near them at lunch when we have it in the classroom.  One of the Ms wasn't here today and I was positively heart broken!  Then there's A who is a tough cookie, but she's sweet and silly once you get past the tough part.  She's a little self-aware on the issue and tends to self-correct if you look at her.

But, that's just something I wanted to start off with, so when I look back at this in months to come, I can say "Ah yes! I love that kid!" and remind myself why I'm here: because it obviously gets harder as things go on, and I'll need the pick-me up.

Just got some feedback from someone who has been observing this week, and my glow (positive) was one-on-one/small group work with students and my grow (work on) was finding physical spaces to be in the classroom that weren't awkward for most parties involved (spectating or participating).  He noted that when I ended up near the front of the room, it was clear I was visibly uncomfortable because I wasn't really doing anything - and I felt that, of course, so it was good to hear someone else say it.  I was glad there was something good that he noticed though, because I honestly didn't know if I had done anything worthy of praise this week.  I just kind of showed up and made kids work when the teacher was busy.

I don't know.  I go through extreme highs and lows with these things.  I guess, when I'm alone, it seems okay, but suddenly, when I'm surrounded by other people, it feels quite lonely.

But, this is the price I pay for the fear that I will not be good enough.  Of course, I doubt I will ever be good enough - let alone feel it - so we'll see what happens.  The problem is my dissatisfaction with not being in charge run directly counterpoint to my fear of being on my own.

Now, however, it's the weekend, and I'm glad for it.  Time to rest, recuperate and get ready to come back to the work place on the ninth.

Finding more of a Place

Yesterday and today have been SO much better than the first day.  I actually added a quote to my computer that I think I'm going to change (it's on a sticky note on my desktop) a couple of times a month.  For now, it is:

"The most powerful weapon on Earth is the human soul on fire." - Ferdinand Foch

When I was looking them up, it just stuck out to me, I had to use it.
 
Moving on to the really important stuff: I feel so much better about everything, and have been getting to know a lot of the students who I really appreciate.Some remind me so much of some of the girls from last year that it warms my heart to be around them.  There are even a few boys who ring some familiar bells for me.  I've been popping around different classes and things, trying to meet as many kids as possible, but kind of attached myself to one homeroom, to make sure that I was grounded in some kids.  They're not on my "class" load, but I don't care - they've been amazing to get to know. 

To share a cute story from today, I went on a tour with one of the seventh grade classes that I will be working with, and we were walking through where we go out for recess (which is near the school and I was not wearing the shoes for that to be a thing), but anyway, we were walking and one of the girls hear me laugh at something she said - my comprehension on some things in Spanish is much higher than my ability to explain anything - and she looked at me and was like "Miss, you Spanish?"

And I laughed harder and was like "Nope, I am so Italian it hurts."  And she was like "Oh.  Well, kinda the same.  Just checking.  ...Do you speak Spanish?" and I had to giggle, because it was so funny - and three days in getting some of the same stuff from last year is really comforting.  It actually helped me really feel like I was at home.

I also got to handle a discipline issue with a student and helped him come up with a solution to make sure it didn't happen again, and I directed a group of students through the hall and was able to make them go back and do something again when it wasn't HSR (High School Ready) behavior.  It felt really good to be able to do that.  So, I'm starting to grow into myself a tiny bit here, I think.

Of course, that journey is not done: it's just beginning.  We had a big talk in post-day reflection time about being yourself in the classroom and bringing your own personality to what you're doing, which is something I feel like I am starting to really do - I was doing it last year working one-on-one with students and now I have to do it moving from individual experiences to full classes, and that's hard, in some ways, because it takes a lot of self-trust, so we'll see how that part of the journey progresses.

I'm going to fill you in on weekly goal, since I'm including it in my tags, and I feel it's important.  It's going well.  I made my schedule about where I am going and when I am going there, and talked to the teachers I needed to talk to in order to get into their rooms.  I'm going to spend Friday kind of floating around the 8th grade, seeing things and meeting students, and then tomorrow I have another writing class to sit in on.  I spent a *lot* of time with one of the classes that I am supposed to be working with and have formed a couple of relationships with students that I think can carry through, but I have to continue working on that too.

That's all I have: a much sunnier outlook on everything than I did before, and I feel much better about it.  Now, it's just the beginning, and we will see how it goes, but we'll keep track over the course of the year. 

The Scholars Arrive and I have Anxiety

Today was the first day with students in the building.  I really like the kids, and I had a lot of great moments with them.  I have to read a book that a girl recommended to me before school actually starts on the ninth (it's called Stung by Bethany Wiggins - I read the first two chapters during prep today and it wasn't bad).  I know tomorrow I should push the kids more and not be quite so nice as I was today (it’s a set the bar high thing), but it’s easily worked on.  A girl even gave me a hug at the end of the day, and that was worth a million bucks.  It’s not from the kids that my anxiety is stemming, however.

I guess I just don’t know where to find myself, I don’t know how to define what I’m doing.  I mean, I do know: I’m training to be a teacher, but that’s not what my title says, and I’m floating between two different jobs, and I just don’t know where I fall or how I fall and where I’m supposed to be at any given time because I’m not counted like a TA, and I’m not counted as a full teacher.  It’s like nice, in some ways, to define what I am, but also incredibly overwhelming. 

I just want to know what I am and where I’m going and I don’t like not knowing these things.  I don’t like being out of the loop, and I don’t like how I don’t get to have ownership of things.  Nothing is mine, I just go for the ride, and it’s good, in some ways, but it’s also feeling very much like “helper” and not much like anything else.  In some ways, I’m so incredibly jealous of the new teachers.  And I’m usually lumped with them, but I don’t get the same things as them.  

I don’t know.

I love the kids, I love the people, I just hate feeling unstable.  I hate feeling like I don’t know who I am or what I am.  I hate not having the chance to stretch my teaching legs.  I hate feeling like I don’t have a place I belong.  

My mentor helped me set a goal for the week, of visiting every class I will be working with, and then spend time with them in an activity that isn't in the class I'm with them - I created the schedule right after work to assuage some of my anxiety.  It helped a little, but I guess it still doesn't make up for the fact that I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing and how I'm going to do it.  

I don't feel like one of the teachers I'm assigned to work with really wants my input at all, and I haven't even really gotten a chance to speak to the other because she just took the position.  

I just don't know.  I just have to be  open, flexible, and ready for anything.  Remembering integrity and commitment: I signed up to do this on their terms, not mine, and I must fulfill those obligations.  And also humility  I don't know everything, I don't really know anything, and that's why I'm not a classroom teacher yet.  I wouldn't be good at it, I wouldn't be effective.  I need to learn these things, and that's what I'm here for.

Day Four and Five: Reflections

So I didn't post on Thursday or Friday, but I am going to take that as a good sign.

I stepped back from everything and took some time to chill out and relax, as well as get to know my co-workers.  We went out to happy hour on Thursday afternoon, and then on Friday we had a little bit of training in the morning and then out to lunch in the afternoon.

The place I work is so fabulous, and I know I left off in anxieties on Wednesday night, but they were all sated on Thursday.  We were able to voice our concerns and how overwhelmed we felt at department time on Thursday, and it was actually quite shocking.  Our department chair, asked us like what was wrong - he was picking up on the very overwhelmed energy, and everyone went around and shared something that was like… making them nervous, and when it came to my turn, I had to tell him I didn’t know what my place was going to be, and how that was going to look, and I felt badly that I didn’t know and didn’t really see what I was going to be doing.  1) He commented that I was smart and competent and that was why I was there  and 2) that I would figure it out within the first week, and it wasn’t going to be a problem. 

And then, afterward, we did some other stuff, and me and this other girl went to grab SB because he was in the social studies meeting (aka him and the head of the social studies dept - there are only two of them, haha) was like “I just wanted to let you know, I totally felt what you were saying earlier.  I started teaching as a fellow and it was really uncomfortable and weird sometimes - but know that you’re the only TA here because we want you to be a classroom teacher.  We want you to move up with us and take on that role because we know you’re great and can do it.  Just be flexible, take every opportunity you can, and use this time to absorb everything, because you’re going to use it here.”  

It was the nicest thing and it was so genuine, I just wanted to like hug her. It totally put me at ease knowing that she believed I could do it and actually like… affirmed those things.

Otherwise, Friday was low-key and we went out for lunch and happy hour (again), and then I came home, and have been here all weekend.  

I'm excited to start again tomorrow and just ready to meet the rest of the staff.  

Also, I figured it's probably weekly goal time.  

I did not meet my entire goal this week - but only because of miscommunications leading me to not ACTUALLY having my mentor teacher there.  So I did learn like 10 things about everyone there, but not my mentor.  I did, however, meet my goal of being present during every single PD. 

I will reaffirm my goals for this upcoming week: Learn at least 10 things about my mentor AND be present in every single PD.

Day Three: Digging Deeper

So today we went out for drinks after work, and I feel like that's the place I'm writing from right now, because we got to know one another so much better and talk and really explore where we were each from and how that impacts us and stuff - and I really appreciate everyone I work with.

Like, the experiences are so unique, and despite everyone being different, experiences are valued and understood to be unique - and that's a cool working environment.  On the flip side, of course, earlier today, I witnessed a very uncomfortable exchange between colleagues about differences in management styles that was very... hard.  I was not directly involved (as I choose to avoid confrontation), but I watched it happen, and I definitely understood where some feelings were a little... roughed up places.

But, regardless, let's get to the heart of it.  I'm a little nervous that I'm the youngest person.  I think it shows in a lot of ways, and I definitely don't feel smart enough a lot of the time.  I don't feel like I know enough and I don't really know if my experiences are indeed as valuable as anyone else's.  I know my experiences inform my judgement, but I feel like what if I don't cut it?  What if I'm truly not fit for working in a school?

I just have so much anxiety and I don't know if I believe in myself.  

As meeting everyone (old teachers included), I just feel like I won't be seen as a full member of the faculty.  I'm afraid I won't get picked up because I'm not valuable enough to the school for that to happen.  I'm afraid I won't be good enough.  I know these are normal concerns, but I don't know, I guess when you're not the classroom teacher, you can feel reduced to a role that's so inconsequential that no one would even notice if you were there or not.

I don't want to be unnecessary at the end of the year.  I don't want to be a blip on the radar and need to move on to another school.  I want to be here.  I want them to want me to be there, and I want to work for them for a long time - I can just tell.  It gave me that impression already.

It doesn't help that I'm definitely the youngest person on staff.  The whole staff is, of course, young, but even most of the new teachers are in their mid-20s or up.  I am the only person at least a year under 25, and I wonder if that puts me in a place of like... ignorance and not entirely expected longevity.  I don't know.

I just have a lot of anxiety - and I'm worried that I'm not smart enough or not good enough to do this.  I wonder if I ever will feel smart enough or ready enough or good enough to do this work.  I guess that's where like... commitment comes in.  I committed to this and I need to believe in myself.  There's room for humility, of course, I do not know everything - I cannot know everything - and I must be open and willing to learn at every turn, but I also can't let it interfere with what I'm doing.   I can't let humility turn into cowardice, and I can't let my fear impact my commitment.  I just hope I can.

Second Day: Information Overload

Today was absolutely crazy!

We did all sorts of stuff to introduce us to data and data cycles at IMS.  It was super intense.

Like, it wasn't even examining real data, but it was talking about it and getting comfortable with it, and that was something like... totally crazy.  I didn't realize how much I liked that I knew things about data collection and analysis though, and I do have to thank my last position for that.  It really did help me today.

But, outside of that, we got our computers - I haven't played with mine yet, but I know I have to bring it tomorrow to do stuff at work, so I will be playing with it in the very near future.  We also did some lesson planning stuff in our department PD today, which was really helpful.  I love how things are done at my school - it's so student driven and guided, I just love that.

I did find out, however, that my cooperating teacher is not who I thought it was - in fact, I am actually with two different mentors - one of whom is also new, but not the original one I thought - and we'll be doing seventh grade writing.  He is a nice guy, has a kind of crazy sensibility about him - but I think he will push me and stretch me to be a lot more creative in the classroom.  I'm also working with another teacher who I will meet next week, and I'll be doing eighth grade reading with her.

I'm a little nervous, I won't lie.  I guess my anxiety is stemming from the fact that no one really knows what to do with me, haha.  I'm doing teacher orientation like an actual teacher, but I'm not technically one yet, and I'm glad for that - because I'm anxious and nervous about it, but I'm also afraid of being pushed to the back of the classroom to do nothing.  I don't think that will happen, but it's an anxiety nonetheless.

I am also afraid of not being held in as important a position as others, and of being used to do inane tasks, rather than actual instruction and the like.  But, ah well! We'll see what happens! I am going to be optimistic!

I'm stilling following my goals and being actively involved in things, as well as getting to know my mentor - though I might be a little behind on that one now!  I'll have to get to work more!

First Day Jitters: Conquered!

Hello there!

Just got home and started my routine for tomorrow!  Making coffee for the AM, doing dishes, trying to decide what I want to eat (I think I already know), and then pack part of a lunch for tomorrow.  There are so many different places nearby and everyone is trying them, so I figure I might as well too!  I'll just pack a yogurt and some granola and then get another thing tomorrow.

But, onto the important stuff!

I got there early (of course, haha) and everyone was super nice.

PD was definitely interesting, no time to really doze off or be tired - which was nice.  Some of it was very intellectual and there was some number crunching, which I wasn't prepared for, but it wasn't BAD.  It was just a lot - but a lot of information is good, in some ways.

I got to meet the new people in the humanities department (as well as some of the old people) and I can already tell I am going to learn a lot.  My schedule has me working with two seventh grade classes and one eighth grade, so that's something different, I didn't anticipate that.  I'm a little nervous, but also pumped because the people in charge of my day-to-day training are amazing.  VG, my main mentor teacher, is sooooo nice and a total book nerd - I think we're going to have a lot of FUN in our class.  Our room is HUGE - there are some random robot stickers on the wall, which were pretty funny, haha, and we have a wall of windows that look out at the church next door.

I don't know the other teacher I'm working with - she's the seventh grade one - for eighth, I think I might be working with the department head, who is super cool - I'm a little intimidated by him, but I know he has a LOT to teach me and he'll be a great model and person to go to as well as to look at for advice, so I'm excited.

So far, I think I am doing well with my goals, I did learn two things about my mentor today (more, actually!) and I was definitely "present" in PD today.  So, doing well on those goals - gotta keep up with them for the rest of the week though!

Other people are also really friendly, and I really like the people I've met so far - I can't wait to meet more people as the rest of the staff filters in and I will be even more excited to work with them as the year starts picking up.

Big project coming up in the next three weeks: Decorating the classroom!

First Day's Eve

Hello anyone reading!

Welcome to my blog, an experiment in reflection for my first full year in the classroom.  Before I get into that, I should explain 1) where my blog name came from and 2) what I'm doing.

1) Basket was my nickname during my Americorps program, and it's kind of stuck.  I quite like it, and well, Book is another nickname of mine - so I combined them.  2) I'm living in New York City and participating in a program - Urban Teaching Corps (you can check out their website here).  

As for living, my apartment is wonderful, I am fully in love with it and the area.  There is a bakery near my place that legitimately sells EVERYTHING for $1!  It's a blessing, and there are many grocery stores and places to get food, which was essential!  For the space that I can call mine, here are some pictures, though they are fresh from when I moved in and it is no longer as sparkly clean as it was - though I'm doing fairly well on the clean front!

Going more into the teaching portion: I'll be working with another teacher in their ELA classroom in a middle school in Inwood, basically at the top of Manhattan.  To preserve the safety and confidentiality of the school, my colleagues, my students, and their families, I will refer to my school as IMS (Inwood Middle School).  Remind me of that, I'll probably need it! Additionally, any names that get mentioned in this blog, outside of my own, of course, will be reduced to initials.

I was supposed to start a graduate school program this past week, but some stuff came up (mostly my already licensed self) and I no longer qualified, so I'm going to another program in the spring.  I'm rather happy for this, considering I'll have time to adjust to being in the classroom and the environment of my new school, as well as getting ready to go to school. I really have to fill out that application...

But, anyway, I have to say, I'm completely freaked out.  Tomorrow is the first day of teacher training and I'm both super excited and super nervous.  I want to make a good impression and I hope my mentor teacher likes me and is supportive.

Going into this experience, I want it to be completely different than student teaching was.  Through several presentations during our summer training, I know it's possible that I can set the mood and tone for what I want this year to look like, and for that, I am glad.  When I student taught, I don't think I had that mindset at all.  I also didn't go into an environment that necessarily wanted me (my cooperating school was begged, at the last minute, to take me because everything else fell through) and a teacher who did not necessarily see the opportunity as a time to teach me, but as a personal vacation for her.

This time, I am hoping for something different.  I have a variety of skills already, and I know that this year will strengthen them and give me new skills as well.

But, I want to start with something new, and fresh, so I want to set a goal for this week, which, I will be blogging about as I go!

For the week of August 5:
I would like to be present and attentive to all of our professional development sessions (as hard as that is) and learn at least 10 things (boiling down to 2 a day) about my cooperating teacher.

I'll let you know how things go tomorrow!
-Jessica