Last week I took two of my New York State exams (I still have one more to take before I get my full conditional license). The LAST (Liberal Arts and Science Test) was not so bad. The writing sample was pretty easy, and the questions weren't too ridiculous. I took it on the computer which was difficult, but I managed it because they gave us white board type things to take it with. I used a TON of pages to take the test, but I wanted to make sure that I got stuff right. Like I said, that one wasn't terrible.
The Social Studies CST (Content Specialization Test - I think that's right) was SO hard. Like mind numbingly hard. There were so many questions about economics and human geography. I wanted to cry. I used a ton of the pages on that white board packet as well. The questions were just so difficult, I couldn't believe it. The writing part, surprisingly, was super easy - which I was thankful for. However, that won't matter much if I don't pass the whole test.
If I have to take it again I will be seriously lost. Not only is it an expensive test, but it takes a ton of time (I was in the testing center for almost five hours for both), and there are limited dates. Also part of this is the fact that I have to take another test in addition to those, and I won't know the results for a month. If I don't pass, I won't be able to apply to graduate school because I won't have my license, and then I won't be able to be in the teaching corps anymore because I won't be filling the requirements of being a member.
It's so stressful.
I had lunch with a friend from UTC and hearing how she and her co-teacher have set up a relationship was so awesome, but kind of disheartening. She is viewed as equivalent to the teacher, she teaches full parts of the lessons, and has it together in so many ways. I'm still struggling with figuring out where my role in the classroom is and how my co-teachers view me/utilize me.
That brings me to the biggest anxiety of all: I have two observations this month, one in the first week of school. I'm not lead teacher in my classroom, so I know I won't score very well because we're being evaluated on the Danielson rubric and it's really clear about the expectations it sets up for the evaluation process, and some of the categories just don't even apply to my position right now, so I can't score well on them. I recognize that I cannot start strong.
I do not know everything, I cannot be anything other than basic or developing at this point, really, but that doesn't mean it makes me feel good. I just wish I could be stronger. I wish I could be better.
As someone who has always tied her self worth to the numbers on a rubric, or the grade on a transcript/report card, the idea of failure is so difficult to swallow. I hate failing. I know I have to work with what I have and do my best with the things I can do... I've never been distinguished as a bottom member of a pack before... I've always been in the front, a leader.
I won't be that now. I'm going to suck. I'm going to suck really hard. And then I have to be okay with how much I suck and keep going. I've never been good at that. Usually, when I suck at something, I give up, and I'm not allowed to give up here. I don't really want to give up. I just know it's going to hurt, and I have to prepare to deal with that hurt. I just have to keep telling myself that.
I'm reminded of the AA motto:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
Maybe I should write it on my arm for the next two weeks...
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