The First Bad Day

Today is my first real bad day.

I just want to cry.

Last night I went to a fundraising event in Midtown after a long day at work: I didn't leave the building until 7:15 PM.  Then I went straight to the event.  Everyone there looked like super models.  I shit you not, I even heard one woman talking about runways, so if she wasn't a model: she's certainly been near them in real life.  And I waltz in, disheveled, like a hot mess, and that's the start of a wonderful evening of feeling totally amazing about myself.

Then, I went home and went to bed.  Nothing exciting.

Came in this morning, had no idea what I was doing and kind of just winged it.  I helped out a colleague doing his copying, helped someone else do copying (yay glorified secretary) and started the day.  It started so well, doing everything I needed to do, helping students who needed help, doing drawings and decorating - pulled out the stickers and had everyone going.

That was great.

Find out that later, our department head sat in on the class and hated it.  Hated everything we'd been doing, wanted a more organic writing feeling to it.  So, I felt a bit crushed, needless to say, since a lot of the past week has been my doing.

Then, the rest of the day continues.

We have an assembly. During class time.

That's a huge deal.  Our school believes things about school and the importance of class time, so it's kind of insane that it happened that way.  But we filed downstairs and the kids all got a talk based on the actions of some scholars in the community yesterday, as well as a bullying issue.  It was sobering, and watching the principal and the students the way they were, it was devastating.

In addition, when we got back the whole grade was silent.  We did journaling (thank God for writing class) and the kids were behaviorally good, but then the next class came in and I snapped at some of them, and I felt bad because I'm not that kind of person, and it just frustrates me that I let myself get that way when it wasn't even a class I was supposed to push into.  I just feel so bad about the way I reacted, particularly with one student who probably didn't deserve my snap.  I wrote her a note apologizing, but she barely read it and threw it back on the table, which made me feel worse because I ruined a relationship with a student.

I just feel so bad.  Like, I didn't handle things right today and I feel bad about the kids, and I kind of feel homesick for some of the people I really miss from Boston.  I'm kind of lonely too, I won't lie.  Sigh.

I just suck.

Eye of the Hurricane

So, I'm reporting in the middle of my break from school.

Last week I took two of my New York State exams (I still have one more to take before I get my full conditional license).  The LAST (Liberal Arts and Science Test) was not so bad.  The writing sample was pretty easy, and the questions weren't too ridiculous.  I took it on the computer which was difficult, but I managed it because they gave us white board type things to take it with.  I used a TON of pages to take the test, but I wanted to make sure that I got stuff right.  Like I said, that one wasn't terrible.

The Social Studies CST (Content Specialization Test - I think that's right) was SO hard.  Like mind numbingly hard.  There were so many questions about economics and human geography.  I wanted to cry.  I used a ton of the pages on that white board packet as well.  The questions were just so difficult, I couldn't believe it.  The writing part, surprisingly, was super easy - which I was thankful for.  However, that won't matter much if I don't pass the whole test.

If I have to take it again I will be seriously lost.  Not only is it an expensive test, but it takes a ton of time (I was in the testing center for almost five hours for both), and there are limited dates.  Also part of this is the fact that I have to take another test in addition to those, and I won't know the results for a month.  If I don't pass, I won't be able to apply to graduate school because I won't have my license, and then I won't be able to be in the teaching corps anymore because I won't be filling the requirements of being a member.

It's so stressful.

I had lunch with a friend from UTC and hearing how she and her co-teacher have set up a relationship was so awesome, but kind of disheartening.  She is viewed as equivalent to the teacher, she teaches full parts of the lessons, and has it together in so many ways.  I'm still struggling with figuring out where my role in the classroom is and how my co-teachers view me/utilize me.

That brings me to the biggest anxiety of all: I have two observations this month, one in the first week of school.  I'm not lead teacher in my classroom, so I know I won't score very well because we're being evaluated on the Danielson rubric and it's really clear about the expectations it sets up for the evaluation process, and some of the categories just don't even apply to my position right now, so I can't score well on them.  I recognize that I cannot start strong.

I do not know everything, I cannot be anything other than basic or developing at this point, really, but that doesn't mean it makes me feel good.  I just wish I could be stronger.  I wish I could be better.

As someone who has always tied her self worth to the numbers on a rubric, or the grade on a transcript/report card, the idea of failure is so difficult to swallow.  I hate failing.  I know I have to work with what I have and do my best with the things I can do... I've never been distinguished as a bottom member of a pack before... I've always been in the front, a leader.

I won't be that now.  I'm going to suck.  I'm going to suck really hard.  And then I have to be okay with how much I suck and keep going.  I've never been good at that.  Usually, when I suck at something, I give up, and I'm not allowed to give up here.  I don't really want to give up.  I just know it's going to hurt, and I have to prepare to deal with that hurt.  I just have to keep telling myself that.

I'm reminded of the AA motto:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

The courage to change the things I can, 

And the wisdom to know the difference." 

Maybe I should write it on my arm for the next two weeks...

The Scholars Arrive and I have Anxiety

Today was the first day with students in the building.  I really like the kids, and I had a lot of great moments with them.  I have to read a book that a girl recommended to me before school actually starts on the ninth (it's called Stung by Bethany Wiggins - I read the first two chapters during prep today and it wasn't bad).  I know tomorrow I should push the kids more and not be quite so nice as I was today (it’s a set the bar high thing), but it’s easily worked on.  A girl even gave me a hug at the end of the day, and that was worth a million bucks.  It’s not from the kids that my anxiety is stemming, however.

I guess I just don’t know where to find myself, I don’t know how to define what I’m doing.  I mean, I do know: I’m training to be a teacher, but that’s not what my title says, and I’m floating between two different jobs, and I just don’t know where I fall or how I fall and where I’m supposed to be at any given time because I’m not counted like a TA, and I’m not counted as a full teacher.  It’s like nice, in some ways, to define what I am, but also incredibly overwhelming. 

I just want to know what I am and where I’m going and I don’t like not knowing these things.  I don’t like being out of the loop, and I don’t like how I don’t get to have ownership of things.  Nothing is mine, I just go for the ride, and it’s good, in some ways, but it’s also feeling very much like “helper” and not much like anything else.  In some ways, I’m so incredibly jealous of the new teachers.  And I’m usually lumped with them, but I don’t get the same things as them.  

I don’t know.

I love the kids, I love the people, I just hate feeling unstable.  I hate feeling like I don’t know who I am or what I am.  I hate not having the chance to stretch my teaching legs.  I hate feeling like I don’t have a place I belong.  

My mentor helped me set a goal for the week, of visiting every class I will be working with, and then spend time with them in an activity that isn't in the class I'm with them - I created the schedule right after work to assuage some of my anxiety.  It helped a little, but I guess it still doesn't make up for the fact that I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing and how I'm going to do it.  

I don't feel like one of the teachers I'm assigned to work with really wants my input at all, and I haven't even really gotten a chance to speak to the other because she just took the position.  

I just don't know.  I just have to be  open, flexible, and ready for anything.  Remembering integrity and commitment: I signed up to do this on their terms, not mine, and I must fulfill those obligations.  And also humility  I don't know everything, I don't really know anything, and that's why I'm not a classroom teacher yet.  I wouldn't be good at it, I wouldn't be effective.  I need to learn these things, and that's what I'm here for.

Day Three: Digging Deeper

So today we went out for drinks after work, and I feel like that's the place I'm writing from right now, because we got to know one another so much better and talk and really explore where we were each from and how that impacts us and stuff - and I really appreciate everyone I work with.

Like, the experiences are so unique, and despite everyone being different, experiences are valued and understood to be unique - and that's a cool working environment.  On the flip side, of course, earlier today, I witnessed a very uncomfortable exchange between colleagues about differences in management styles that was very... hard.  I was not directly involved (as I choose to avoid confrontation), but I watched it happen, and I definitely understood where some feelings were a little... roughed up places.

But, regardless, let's get to the heart of it.  I'm a little nervous that I'm the youngest person.  I think it shows in a lot of ways, and I definitely don't feel smart enough a lot of the time.  I don't feel like I know enough and I don't really know if my experiences are indeed as valuable as anyone else's.  I know my experiences inform my judgement, but I feel like what if I don't cut it?  What if I'm truly not fit for working in a school?

I just have so much anxiety and I don't know if I believe in myself.  

As meeting everyone (old teachers included), I just feel like I won't be seen as a full member of the faculty.  I'm afraid I won't get picked up because I'm not valuable enough to the school for that to happen.  I'm afraid I won't be good enough.  I know these are normal concerns, but I don't know, I guess when you're not the classroom teacher, you can feel reduced to a role that's so inconsequential that no one would even notice if you were there or not.

I don't want to be unnecessary at the end of the year.  I don't want to be a blip on the radar and need to move on to another school.  I want to be here.  I want them to want me to be there, and I want to work for them for a long time - I can just tell.  It gave me that impression already.

It doesn't help that I'm definitely the youngest person on staff.  The whole staff is, of course, young, but even most of the new teachers are in their mid-20s or up.  I am the only person at least a year under 25, and I wonder if that puts me in a place of like... ignorance and not entirely expected longevity.  I don't know.

I just have a lot of anxiety - and I'm worried that I'm not smart enough or not good enough to do this.  I wonder if I ever will feel smart enough or ready enough or good enough to do this work.  I guess that's where like... commitment comes in.  I committed to this and I need to believe in myself.  There's room for humility, of course, I do not know everything - I cannot know everything - and I must be open and willing to learn at every turn, but I also can't let it interfere with what I'm doing.   I can't let humility turn into cowardice, and I can't let my fear impact my commitment.  I just hope I can.

Second Day: Information Overload

Today was absolutely crazy!

We did all sorts of stuff to introduce us to data and data cycles at IMS.  It was super intense.

Like, it wasn't even examining real data, but it was talking about it and getting comfortable with it, and that was something like... totally crazy.  I didn't realize how much I liked that I knew things about data collection and analysis though, and I do have to thank my last position for that.  It really did help me today.

But, outside of that, we got our computers - I haven't played with mine yet, but I know I have to bring it tomorrow to do stuff at work, so I will be playing with it in the very near future.  We also did some lesson planning stuff in our department PD today, which was really helpful.  I love how things are done at my school - it's so student driven and guided, I just love that.

I did find out, however, that my cooperating teacher is not who I thought it was - in fact, I am actually with two different mentors - one of whom is also new, but not the original one I thought - and we'll be doing seventh grade writing.  He is a nice guy, has a kind of crazy sensibility about him - but I think he will push me and stretch me to be a lot more creative in the classroom.  I'm also working with another teacher who I will meet next week, and I'll be doing eighth grade reading with her.

I'm a little nervous, I won't lie.  I guess my anxiety is stemming from the fact that no one really knows what to do with me, haha.  I'm doing teacher orientation like an actual teacher, but I'm not technically one yet, and I'm glad for that - because I'm anxious and nervous about it, but I'm also afraid of being pushed to the back of the classroom to do nothing.  I don't think that will happen, but it's an anxiety nonetheless.

I am also afraid of not being held in as important a position as others, and of being used to do inane tasks, rather than actual instruction and the like.  But, ah well! We'll see what happens! I am going to be optimistic!

I'm stilling following my goals and being actively involved in things, as well as getting to know my mentor - though I might be a little behind on that one now!  I'll have to get to work more!