Today is my first real bad day.
I just want to cry.
Last night I went to a fundraising event in Midtown after a long day at work: I didn't leave the building until 7:15 PM. Then I went straight to the event. Everyone there looked like super models. I shit you not, I even heard one woman talking about runways, so if she wasn't a model: she's certainly been near them in real life. And I waltz in, disheveled, like a hot mess, and that's the start of a wonderful evening of feeling totally amazing about myself.
Then, I went home and went to bed. Nothing exciting.
Came in this morning, had no idea what I was doing and kind of just winged it. I helped out a colleague doing his copying, helped someone else do copying (yay glorified secretary) and started the day. It started so well, doing everything I needed to do, helping students who needed help, doing drawings and decorating - pulled out the stickers and had everyone going.
That was great.
Find out that later, our department head sat in on the class and hated it. Hated everything we'd been doing, wanted a more organic writing feeling to it. So, I felt a bit crushed, needless to say, since a lot of the past week has been my doing.
Then, the rest of the day continues.
We have an assembly. During class time.
That's a huge deal. Our school believes things about school and the importance of class time, so it's kind of insane that it happened that way. But we filed downstairs and the kids all got a talk based on the actions of some scholars in the community yesterday, as well as a bullying issue. It was sobering, and watching the principal and the students the way they were, it was devastating.
In addition, when we got back the whole grade was silent. We did journaling (thank God for writing class) and the kids were behaviorally good, but then the next class came in and I snapped at some of them, and I felt bad because I'm not that kind of person, and it just frustrates me that I let myself get that way when it wasn't even a class I was supposed to push into. I just feel so bad about the way I reacted, particularly with one student who probably didn't deserve my snap. I wrote her a note apologizing, but she barely read it and threw it back on the table, which made me feel worse because I ruined a relationship with a student.
I just feel so bad. Like, I didn't handle things right today and I feel bad about the kids, and I kind of feel homesick for some of the people I really miss from Boston. I'm kind of lonely too, I won't lie. Sigh.
I just suck.
Showing posts with label core values. Show all posts
Showing posts with label core values. Show all posts
Friday, September 27, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Better Late Than Never: End Week 2/Begin Week 3
So this Friday was definitely the hardest I've dealt with so far. This morning wasn't bad, I watched a different teacher this morning, and I knew we had to do something different with our do nows. I just couldn't handle the constant screeching and terror that happens when they're doing their do nows. I want them to be quiet, to be writing, and actually getting stuff done. It's two weeks into school, that shouldn't be impossible.
If they're expected to do it in every single class, let's make it every single class.
So, I had to enforce it pretty strong and for my second class of the day. It was taking 25 minutes for the do now to happen. That is completely ridiculous because they know how to behave, and they can do it in five minutes without a problem. But they kept at it, and I stopped everyone. I told them that the next times I had to reset the clock, from that point on, was going to be one minute after school for every single time. And, of course, they pushed it and earned two minutes of detention after school. On a Friday.
It was really rough for them. They were sulky the whole rest of the period, but I didn't really have to do much in the way of classroom management. They were just blah. But, they didn't get upset, truly, they dealt with it because they knew they messed up. But, it sucks to have to be mean. I'm not really that kind of person, and I hope the kids know that.
Which leads me to discussing my goal for last week. It had been my intention and goal to get the kids into the room and silent within three minutes. I set up a challenge with the goal of getting LiveSchool money in their accounts. Neither of my classes were able to do it (though they got close). I reconfigured however, and now I have a better system. We just need to assign two notebook hand-out people for weekly jobs, so that not everyone is crowding the bookshelf and that things can be significantly less hectic as time goes by.
I think the five minutes of silence during the do now is going to work though, and that gives you a chance to catch up with the kids who really need that quiet - and a check-in to do their work.
We'll see how that goes this week.
I'm getting observed again on Wednesday, not sure of the time, but we'll see how that goes. Wish me luck!
If they're expected to do it in every single class, let's make it every single class.
So, I had to enforce it pretty strong and for my second class of the day. It was taking 25 minutes for the do now to happen. That is completely ridiculous because they know how to behave, and they can do it in five minutes without a problem. But they kept at it, and I stopped everyone. I told them that the next times I had to reset the clock, from that point on, was going to be one minute after school for every single time. And, of course, they pushed it and earned two minutes of detention after school. On a Friday.
It was really rough for them. They were sulky the whole rest of the period, but I didn't really have to do much in the way of classroom management. They were just blah. But, they didn't get upset, truly, they dealt with it because they knew they messed up. But, it sucks to have to be mean. I'm not really that kind of person, and I hope the kids know that.
Which leads me to discussing my goal for last week. It had been my intention and goal to get the kids into the room and silent within three minutes. I set up a challenge with the goal of getting LiveSchool money in their accounts. Neither of my classes were able to do it (though they got close). I reconfigured however, and now I have a better system. We just need to assign two notebook hand-out people for weekly jobs, so that not everyone is crowding the bookshelf and that things can be significantly less hectic as time goes by.
I think the five minutes of silence during the do now is going to work though, and that gives you a chance to catch up with the kids who really need that quiet - and a check-in to do their work.
We'll see how that goes this week.
I'm getting observed again on Wednesday, not sure of the time, but we'll see how that goes. Wish me luck!
Monday, September 2, 2013
Eye of the Hurricane
So, I'm reporting in the middle of my break from school.
Last week I took two of my New York State exams (I still have one more to take before I get my full conditional license). The LAST (Liberal Arts and Science Test) was not so bad. The writing sample was pretty easy, and the questions weren't too ridiculous. I took it on the computer which was difficult, but I managed it because they gave us white board type things to take it with. I used a TON of pages to take the test, but I wanted to make sure that I got stuff right. Like I said, that one wasn't terrible.
The Social Studies CST (Content Specialization Test - I think that's right) was SO hard. Like mind numbingly hard. There were so many questions about economics and human geography. I wanted to cry. I used a ton of the pages on that white board packet as well. The questions were just so difficult, I couldn't believe it. The writing part, surprisingly, was super easy - which I was thankful for. However, that won't matter much if I don't pass the whole test.
If I have to take it again I will be seriously lost. Not only is it an expensive test, but it takes a ton of time (I was in the testing center for almost five hours for both), and there are limited dates. Also part of this is the fact that I have to take another test in addition to those, and I won't know the results for a month. If I don't pass, I won't be able to apply to graduate school because I won't have my license, and then I won't be able to be in the teaching corps anymore because I won't be filling the requirements of being a member.
It's so stressful.
I had lunch with a friend from UTC and hearing how she and her co-teacher have set up a relationship was so awesome, but kind of disheartening. She is viewed as equivalent to the teacher, she teaches full parts of the lessons, and has it together in so many ways. I'm still struggling with figuring out where my role in the classroom is and how my co-teachers view me/utilize me.
That brings me to the biggest anxiety of all: I have two observations this month, one in the first week of school. I'm not lead teacher in my classroom, so I know I won't score very well because we're being evaluated on the Danielson rubric and it's really clear about the expectations it sets up for the evaluation process, and some of the categories just don't even apply to my position right now, so I can't score well on them. I recognize that I cannot start strong.
I do not know everything, I cannot be anything other than basic or developing at this point, really, but that doesn't mean it makes me feel good. I just wish I could be stronger. I wish I could be better.
As someone who has always tied her self worth to the numbers on a rubric, or the grade on a transcript/report card, the idea of failure is so difficult to swallow. I hate failing. I know I have to work with what I have and do my best with the things I can do... I've never been distinguished as a bottom member of a pack before... I've always been in the front, a leader.
I won't be that now. I'm going to suck. I'm going to suck really hard. And then I have to be okay with how much I suck and keep going. I've never been good at that. Usually, when I suck at something, I give up, and I'm not allowed to give up here. I don't really want to give up. I just know it's going to hurt, and I have to prepare to deal with that hurt. I just have to keep telling myself that.
I'm reminded of the AA motto:
Last week I took two of my New York State exams (I still have one more to take before I get my full conditional license). The LAST (Liberal Arts and Science Test) was not so bad. The writing sample was pretty easy, and the questions weren't too ridiculous. I took it on the computer which was difficult, but I managed it because they gave us white board type things to take it with. I used a TON of pages to take the test, but I wanted to make sure that I got stuff right. Like I said, that one wasn't terrible.
The Social Studies CST (Content Specialization Test - I think that's right) was SO hard. Like mind numbingly hard. There were so many questions about economics and human geography. I wanted to cry. I used a ton of the pages on that white board packet as well. The questions were just so difficult, I couldn't believe it. The writing part, surprisingly, was super easy - which I was thankful for. However, that won't matter much if I don't pass the whole test.
If I have to take it again I will be seriously lost. Not only is it an expensive test, but it takes a ton of time (I was in the testing center for almost five hours for both), and there are limited dates. Also part of this is the fact that I have to take another test in addition to those, and I won't know the results for a month. If I don't pass, I won't be able to apply to graduate school because I won't have my license, and then I won't be able to be in the teaching corps anymore because I won't be filling the requirements of being a member.
It's so stressful.
I had lunch with a friend from UTC and hearing how she and her co-teacher have set up a relationship was so awesome, but kind of disheartening. She is viewed as equivalent to the teacher, she teaches full parts of the lessons, and has it together in so many ways. I'm still struggling with figuring out where my role in the classroom is and how my co-teachers view me/utilize me.
That brings me to the biggest anxiety of all: I have two observations this month, one in the first week of school. I'm not lead teacher in my classroom, so I know I won't score very well because we're being evaluated on the Danielson rubric and it's really clear about the expectations it sets up for the evaluation process, and some of the categories just don't even apply to my position right now, so I can't score well on them. I recognize that I cannot start strong.
I do not know everything, I cannot be anything other than basic or developing at this point, really, but that doesn't mean it makes me feel good. I just wish I could be stronger. I wish I could be better.
As someone who has always tied her self worth to the numbers on a rubric, or the grade on a transcript/report card, the idea of failure is so difficult to swallow. I hate failing. I know I have to work with what I have and do my best with the things I can do... I've never been distinguished as a bottom member of a pack before... I've always been in the front, a leader.
I won't be that now. I'm going to suck. I'm going to suck really hard. And then I have to be okay with how much I suck and keep going. I've never been good at that. Usually, when I suck at something, I give up, and I'm not allowed to give up here. I don't really want to give up. I just know it's going to hurt, and I have to prepare to deal with that hurt. I just have to keep telling myself that.
I'm reminded of the AA motto:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
Maybe I should write it on my arm for the next two weeks...
Monday, August 19, 2013
The Scholars Arrive and I have Anxiety
Today
was the first day with students in the building. I really
like the kids, and I had a lot of great moments with them. I have to read
a book that a girl recommended to me before school actually starts on the
ninth (it's called Stung by Bethany Wiggins - I read the first two chapters during prep today and it wasn't bad). I know tomorrow I should push the
kids more and not be quite so nice as I was today (it’s a set the bar high
thing), but it’s easily worked on.
A girl even gave me a hug at the end of the day, and that was worth a
million bucks. It’s not from the
kids that my anxiety is stemming, however.
I guess
I just don’t know where to find myself, I don’t know how to define what I’m
doing. I mean, I do know: I’m training to be a teacher, but that’s not
what my title says, and I’m floating between two different jobs, and I just don’t
know where I fall or how I fall and where I’m supposed to be at any given time
because I’m not counted like a TA, and I’m not counted as a full teacher. It’s
like nice, in some ways, to define what I am, but also incredibly overwhelming.
I just
want to know what I am and where I’m going and I don’t like not knowing these
things. I don’t like being out of the loop, and I don’t like how I don’t
get to have ownership of things. Nothing is mine, I just go for the ride,
and it’s good, in some ways, but it’s also feeling very much like “helper” and
not much like anything else. In some ways, I’m so incredibly jealous of
the new teachers. And I’m usually lumped with them, but I don’t get the
same things as them.
I don’t
know.
I love the kids, I love
the people, I just hate feeling unstable. I hate feeling like I don’t
know who I am or what I am. I hate not having the chance to stretch my
teaching legs. I hate feeling like I don’t have a place I belong.
My mentor helped me set a goal for the week, of visiting every class I will be working with, and then spend time with them in an activity that isn't in the class I'm with them - I created the schedule right after work to assuage some of my anxiety. It helped a little, but I guess it still doesn't make up for the fact that I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing and how I'm going to do it.
I don't feel like one of the teachers I'm assigned to work with really wants my input at all, and I haven't even really gotten a chance to speak to the other because she just took the position.
I just don't know. I just have to be open, flexible, and ready for anything. Remembering integrity and commitment: I signed up to do this on their terms, not mine, and I must fulfill those obligations. And also humility I don't know everything, I don't really know anything, and that's why I'm not a classroom teacher yet. I wouldn't be good at it, I wouldn't be effective. I need to learn these things, and that's what I'm here for.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Day Three: Digging Deeper
So today we went out for drinks after work, and I feel like that's the place I'm writing from right now, because we got to know one another so much better and talk and really explore where we were each from and how that impacts us and stuff - and I really appreciate everyone I work with.
Like, the experiences are so unique, and despite everyone being different, experiences are valued and understood to be unique - and that's a cool working environment. On the flip side, of course, earlier today, I witnessed a very uncomfortable exchange between colleagues about differences in management styles that was very... hard. I was not directly involved (as I choose to avoid confrontation), but I watched it happen, and I definitely understood where some feelings were a little... roughed up places.
But, regardless, let's get to the heart of it. I'm a little nervous that I'm the youngest person. I think it shows in a lot of ways, and I definitely don't feel smart enough a lot of the time. I don't feel like I know enough and I don't really know if my experiences are indeed as valuable as anyone else's. I know my experiences inform my judgement, but I feel like what if I don't cut it? What if I'm truly not fit for working in a school?
I just have so much anxiety and I don't know if I believe in myself.
As meeting everyone (old teachers included), I just feel like I won't be seen as a full member of the faculty. I'm afraid I won't get picked up because I'm not valuable enough to the school for that to happen. I'm afraid I won't be good enough. I know these are normal concerns, but I don't know, I guess when you're not the classroom teacher, you can feel reduced to a role that's so inconsequential that no one would even notice if you were there or not.
I don't want to be unnecessary at the end of the year. I don't want to be a blip on the radar and need to move on to another school. I want to be here. I want them to want me to be there, and I want to work for them for a long time - I can just tell. It gave me that impression already.
It doesn't help that I'm definitely the youngest person on staff. The whole staff is, of course, young, but even most of the new teachers are in their mid-20s or up. I am the only person at least a year under 25, and I wonder if that puts me in a place of like... ignorance and not entirely expected longevity. I don't know.
I just have a lot of anxiety - and I'm worried that I'm not smart enough or not good enough to do this. I wonder if I ever will feel smart enough or ready enough or good enough to do this work. I guess that's where like... commitment comes in. I committed to this and I need to believe in myself. There's room for humility, of course, I do not know everything - I cannot know everything - and I must be open and willing to learn at every turn, but I also can't let it interfere with what I'm doing. I can't let humility turn into cowardice, and I can't let my fear impact my commitment. I just hope I can.
Like, the experiences are so unique, and despite everyone being different, experiences are valued and understood to be unique - and that's a cool working environment. On the flip side, of course, earlier today, I witnessed a very uncomfortable exchange between colleagues about differences in management styles that was very... hard. I was not directly involved (as I choose to avoid confrontation), but I watched it happen, and I definitely understood where some feelings were a little... roughed up places.
But, regardless, let's get to the heart of it. I'm a little nervous that I'm the youngest person. I think it shows in a lot of ways, and I definitely don't feel smart enough a lot of the time. I don't feel like I know enough and I don't really know if my experiences are indeed as valuable as anyone else's. I know my experiences inform my judgement, but I feel like what if I don't cut it? What if I'm truly not fit for working in a school?
I just have so much anxiety and I don't know if I believe in myself.
As meeting everyone (old teachers included), I just feel like I won't be seen as a full member of the faculty. I'm afraid I won't get picked up because I'm not valuable enough to the school for that to happen. I'm afraid I won't be good enough. I know these are normal concerns, but I don't know, I guess when you're not the classroom teacher, you can feel reduced to a role that's so inconsequential that no one would even notice if you were there or not.
I don't want to be unnecessary at the end of the year. I don't want to be a blip on the radar and need to move on to another school. I want to be here. I want them to want me to be there, and I want to work for them for a long time - I can just tell. It gave me that impression already.
It doesn't help that I'm definitely the youngest person on staff. The whole staff is, of course, young, but even most of the new teachers are in their mid-20s or up. I am the only person at least a year under 25, and I wonder if that puts me in a place of like... ignorance and not entirely expected longevity. I don't know.
I just have a lot of anxiety - and I'm worried that I'm not smart enough or not good enough to do this. I wonder if I ever will feel smart enough or ready enough or good enough to do this work. I guess that's where like... commitment comes in. I committed to this and I need to believe in myself. There's room for humility, of course, I do not know everything - I cannot know everything - and I must be open and willing to learn at every turn, but I also can't let it interfere with what I'm doing. I can't let humility turn into cowardice, and I can't let my fear impact my commitment. I just hope I can.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
First Day's Eve
Hello anyone reading!
Welcome to my blog, an experiment in reflection for my first full year in the classroom. Before I get into that, I should explain 1) where my blog name came from and 2) what I'm doing.
1) Basket was my nickname during my Americorps program, and it's kind of stuck. I quite like it, and well, Book is another nickname of mine - so I combined them. 2) I'm living in New York City and participating in a program - Urban Teaching Corps (you can check out their website here).
As for living, my apartment is wonderful, I am fully in love with it and the area. There is a bakery near my place that legitimately sells EVERYTHING for $1! It's a blessing, and there are many grocery stores and places to get food, which was essential! For the space that I can call mine, here are some pictures, though they are fresh from when I moved in and it is no longer as sparkly clean as it was - though I'm doing fairly well on the clean front!
Going more into the teaching portion: I'll be working with another teacher in their ELA classroom in a middle school in Inwood, basically at the top of Manhattan. To preserve the safety and confidentiality of the school, my colleagues, my students, and their families, I will refer to my school as IMS (Inwood Middle School). Remind me of that, I'll probably need it! Additionally, any names that get mentioned in this blog, outside of my own, of course, will be reduced to initials.
I was supposed to start a graduate school program this past week, but some stuff came up (mostly my already licensed self) and I no longer qualified, so I'm going to another program in the spring. I'm rather happy for this, considering I'll have time to adjust to being in the classroom and the environment of my new school, as well as getting ready to go to school. I really have to fill out that application...
But, anyway, I have to say, I'm completely freaked out. Tomorrow is the first day of teacher training and I'm both super excited and super nervous. I want to make a good impression and I hope my mentor teacher likes me and is supportive.
Going into this experience, I want it to be completely different than student teaching was. Through several presentations during our summer training, I know it's possible that I can set the mood and tone for what I want this year to look like, and for that, I am glad. When I student taught, I don't think I had that mindset at all. I also didn't go into an environment that necessarily wanted me (my cooperating school was begged, at the last minute, to take me because everything else fell through) and a teacher who did not necessarily see the opportunity as a time to teach me, but as a personal vacation for her.
This time, I am hoping for something different. I have a variety of skills already, and I know that this year will strengthen them and give me new skills as well.
But, I want to start with something new, and fresh, so I want to set a goal for this week, which, I will be blogging about as I go!
For the week of August 5:
I would like to be present and attentive to all of our professional development sessions (as hard as that is) and learn at least 10 things (boiling down to 2 a day) about my cooperating teacher.
I'll let you know how things go tomorrow!
-Jessica
Welcome to my blog, an experiment in reflection for my first full year in the classroom. Before I get into that, I should explain 1) where my blog name came from and 2) what I'm doing.
1) Basket was my nickname during my Americorps program, and it's kind of stuck. I quite like it, and well, Book is another nickname of mine - so I combined them. 2) I'm living in New York City and participating in a program - Urban Teaching Corps (you can check out their website here).
As for living, my apartment is wonderful, I am fully in love with it and the area. There is a bakery near my place that legitimately sells EVERYTHING for $1! It's a blessing, and there are many grocery stores and places to get food, which was essential! For the space that I can call mine, here are some pictures, though they are fresh from when I moved in and it is no longer as sparkly clean as it was - though I'm doing fairly well on the clean front!
Going more into the teaching portion: I'll be working with another teacher in their ELA classroom in a middle school in Inwood, basically at the top of Manhattan. To preserve the safety and confidentiality of the school, my colleagues, my students, and their families, I will refer to my school as IMS (Inwood Middle School). Remind me of that, I'll probably need it! Additionally, any names that get mentioned in this blog, outside of my own, of course, will be reduced to initials.
I was supposed to start a graduate school program this past week, but some stuff came up (mostly my already licensed self) and I no longer qualified, so I'm going to another program in the spring. I'm rather happy for this, considering I'll have time to adjust to being in the classroom and the environment of my new school, as well as getting ready to go to school. I really have to fill out that application...
But, anyway, I have to say, I'm completely freaked out. Tomorrow is the first day of teacher training and I'm both super excited and super nervous. I want to make a good impression and I hope my mentor teacher likes me and is supportive.
Going into this experience, I want it to be completely different than student teaching was. Through several presentations during our summer training, I know it's possible that I can set the mood and tone for what I want this year to look like, and for that, I am glad. When I student taught, I don't think I had that mindset at all. I also didn't go into an environment that necessarily wanted me (my cooperating school was begged, at the last minute, to take me because everything else fell through) and a teacher who did not necessarily see the opportunity as a time to teach me, but as a personal vacation for her.
This time, I am hoping for something different. I have a variety of skills already, and I know that this year will strengthen them and give me new skills as well.
But, I want to start with something new, and fresh, so I want to set a goal for this week, which, I will be blogging about as I go!
For the week of August 5:
I would like to be present and attentive to all of our professional development sessions (as hard as that is) and learn at least 10 things (boiling down to 2 a day) about my cooperating teacher.
I'll let you know how things go tomorrow!
-Jessica
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