First Week: Finished

That's it! The first week of instruction is over.

It was kind of an introductory piece about getting used to the school and setting expectations for the students: that sort of thing.  It was also a nice way to meet a bunch of kids and start making relationships with them right off the bat.

There are a couple of kids that I really already want to follow up with all the time, even if I don't have them in classes.  I really don't know their last names yet (yikes), so I'll only be using first name initials as of right now.  O is a really sweet boy and I've helped him through a couple of homeroom assignments, which I think has set a really good tune.  And there are some girls who I cannot get enough of.  M and M (lol) are so sweet and tend to be shy, but they love to read and I sit near them at lunch when we have it in the classroom.  One of the Ms wasn't here today and I was positively heart broken!  Then there's A who is a tough cookie, but she's sweet and silly once you get past the tough part.  She's a little self-aware on the issue and tends to self-correct if you look at her.

But, that's just something I wanted to start off with, so when I look back at this in months to come, I can say "Ah yes! I love that kid!" and remind myself why I'm here: because it obviously gets harder as things go on, and I'll need the pick-me up.

Just got some feedback from someone who has been observing this week, and my glow (positive) was one-on-one/small group work with students and my grow (work on) was finding physical spaces to be in the classroom that weren't awkward for most parties involved (spectating or participating).  He noted that when I ended up near the front of the room, it was clear I was visibly uncomfortable because I wasn't really doing anything - and I felt that, of course, so it was good to hear someone else say it.  I was glad there was something good that he noticed though, because I honestly didn't know if I had done anything worthy of praise this week.  I just kind of showed up and made kids work when the teacher was busy.

I don't know.  I go through extreme highs and lows with these things.  I guess, when I'm alone, it seems okay, but suddenly, when I'm surrounded by other people, it feels quite lonely.

But, this is the price I pay for the fear that I will not be good enough.  Of course, I doubt I will ever be good enough - let alone feel it - so we'll see what happens.  The problem is my dissatisfaction with not being in charge run directly counterpoint to my fear of being on my own.

Now, however, it's the weekend, and I'm glad for it.  Time to rest, recuperate and get ready to come back to the work place on the ninth.

Finding more of a Place

Yesterday and today have been SO much better than the first day.  I actually added a quote to my computer that I think I'm going to change (it's on a sticky note on my desktop) a couple of times a month.  For now, it is:

"The most powerful weapon on Earth is the human soul on fire." - Ferdinand Foch

When I was looking them up, it just stuck out to me, I had to use it.
 
Moving on to the really important stuff: I feel so much better about everything, and have been getting to know a lot of the students who I really appreciate.Some remind me so much of some of the girls from last year that it warms my heart to be around them.  There are even a few boys who ring some familiar bells for me.  I've been popping around different classes and things, trying to meet as many kids as possible, but kind of attached myself to one homeroom, to make sure that I was grounded in some kids.  They're not on my "class" load, but I don't care - they've been amazing to get to know. 

To share a cute story from today, I went on a tour with one of the seventh grade classes that I will be working with, and we were walking through where we go out for recess (which is near the school and I was not wearing the shoes for that to be a thing), but anyway, we were walking and one of the girls hear me laugh at something she said - my comprehension on some things in Spanish is much higher than my ability to explain anything - and she looked at me and was like "Miss, you Spanish?"

And I laughed harder and was like "Nope, I am so Italian it hurts."  And she was like "Oh.  Well, kinda the same.  Just checking.  ...Do you speak Spanish?" and I had to giggle, because it was so funny - and three days in getting some of the same stuff from last year is really comforting.  It actually helped me really feel like I was at home.

I also got to handle a discipline issue with a student and helped him come up with a solution to make sure it didn't happen again, and I directed a group of students through the hall and was able to make them go back and do something again when it wasn't HSR (High School Ready) behavior.  It felt really good to be able to do that.  So, I'm starting to grow into myself a tiny bit here, I think.

Of course, that journey is not done: it's just beginning.  We had a big talk in post-day reflection time about being yourself in the classroom and bringing your own personality to what you're doing, which is something I feel like I am starting to really do - I was doing it last year working one-on-one with students and now I have to do it moving from individual experiences to full classes, and that's hard, in some ways, because it takes a lot of self-trust, so we'll see how that part of the journey progresses.

I'm going to fill you in on weekly goal, since I'm including it in my tags, and I feel it's important.  It's going well.  I made my schedule about where I am going and when I am going there, and talked to the teachers I needed to talk to in order to get into their rooms.  I'm going to spend Friday kind of floating around the 8th grade, seeing things and meeting students, and then tomorrow I have another writing class to sit in on.  I spent a *lot* of time with one of the classes that I am supposed to be working with and have formed a couple of relationships with students that I think can carry through, but I have to continue working on that too.

That's all I have: a much sunnier outlook on everything than I did before, and I feel much better about it.  Now, it's just the beginning, and we will see how it goes, but we'll keep track over the course of the year. 

The Scholars Arrive and I have Anxiety

Today was the first day with students in the building.  I really like the kids, and I had a lot of great moments with them.  I have to read a book that a girl recommended to me before school actually starts on the ninth (it's called Stung by Bethany Wiggins - I read the first two chapters during prep today and it wasn't bad).  I know tomorrow I should push the kids more and not be quite so nice as I was today (it’s a set the bar high thing), but it’s easily worked on.  A girl even gave me a hug at the end of the day, and that was worth a million bucks.  It’s not from the kids that my anxiety is stemming, however.

I guess I just don’t know where to find myself, I don’t know how to define what I’m doing.  I mean, I do know: I’m training to be a teacher, but that’s not what my title says, and I’m floating between two different jobs, and I just don’t know where I fall or how I fall and where I’m supposed to be at any given time because I’m not counted like a TA, and I’m not counted as a full teacher.  It’s like nice, in some ways, to define what I am, but also incredibly overwhelming. 

I just want to know what I am and where I’m going and I don’t like not knowing these things.  I don’t like being out of the loop, and I don’t like how I don’t get to have ownership of things.  Nothing is mine, I just go for the ride, and it’s good, in some ways, but it’s also feeling very much like “helper” and not much like anything else.  In some ways, I’m so incredibly jealous of the new teachers.  And I’m usually lumped with them, but I don’t get the same things as them.  

I don’t know.

I love the kids, I love the people, I just hate feeling unstable.  I hate feeling like I don’t know who I am or what I am.  I hate not having the chance to stretch my teaching legs.  I hate feeling like I don’t have a place I belong.  

My mentor helped me set a goal for the week, of visiting every class I will be working with, and then spend time with them in an activity that isn't in the class I'm with them - I created the schedule right after work to assuage some of my anxiety.  It helped a little, but I guess it still doesn't make up for the fact that I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing and how I'm going to do it.  

I don't feel like one of the teachers I'm assigned to work with really wants my input at all, and I haven't even really gotten a chance to speak to the other because she just took the position.  

I just don't know.  I just have to be  open, flexible, and ready for anything.  Remembering integrity and commitment: I signed up to do this on their terms, not mine, and I must fulfill those obligations.  And also humility  I don't know everything, I don't really know anything, and that's why I'm not a classroom teacher yet.  I wouldn't be good at it, I wouldn't be effective.  I need to learn these things, and that's what I'm here for.

Day Four and Five: Reflections

So I didn't post on Thursday or Friday, but I am going to take that as a good sign.

I stepped back from everything and took some time to chill out and relax, as well as get to know my co-workers.  We went out to happy hour on Thursday afternoon, and then on Friday we had a little bit of training in the morning and then out to lunch in the afternoon.

The place I work is so fabulous, and I know I left off in anxieties on Wednesday night, but they were all sated on Thursday.  We were able to voice our concerns and how overwhelmed we felt at department time on Thursday, and it was actually quite shocking.  Our department chair, asked us like what was wrong - he was picking up on the very overwhelmed energy, and everyone went around and shared something that was like… making them nervous, and when it came to my turn, I had to tell him I didn’t know what my place was going to be, and how that was going to look, and I felt badly that I didn’t know and didn’t really see what I was going to be doing.  1) He commented that I was smart and competent and that was why I was there  and 2) that I would figure it out within the first week, and it wasn’t going to be a problem. 

And then, afterward, we did some other stuff, and me and this other girl went to grab SB because he was in the social studies meeting (aka him and the head of the social studies dept - there are only two of them, haha) was like “I just wanted to let you know, I totally felt what you were saying earlier.  I started teaching as a fellow and it was really uncomfortable and weird sometimes - but know that you’re the only TA here because we want you to be a classroom teacher.  We want you to move up with us and take on that role because we know you’re great and can do it.  Just be flexible, take every opportunity you can, and use this time to absorb everything, because you’re going to use it here.”  

It was the nicest thing and it was so genuine, I just wanted to like hug her. It totally put me at ease knowing that she believed I could do it and actually like… affirmed those things.

Otherwise, Friday was low-key and we went out for lunch and happy hour (again), and then I came home, and have been here all weekend.  

I'm excited to start again tomorrow and just ready to meet the rest of the staff.  

Also, I figured it's probably weekly goal time.  

I did not meet my entire goal this week - but only because of miscommunications leading me to not ACTUALLY having my mentor teacher there.  So I did learn like 10 things about everyone there, but not my mentor.  I did, however, meet my goal of being present during every single PD. 

I will reaffirm my goals for this upcoming week: Learn at least 10 things about my mentor AND be present in every single PD.

Day Three: Digging Deeper

So today we went out for drinks after work, and I feel like that's the place I'm writing from right now, because we got to know one another so much better and talk and really explore where we were each from and how that impacts us and stuff - and I really appreciate everyone I work with.

Like, the experiences are so unique, and despite everyone being different, experiences are valued and understood to be unique - and that's a cool working environment.  On the flip side, of course, earlier today, I witnessed a very uncomfortable exchange between colleagues about differences in management styles that was very... hard.  I was not directly involved (as I choose to avoid confrontation), but I watched it happen, and I definitely understood where some feelings were a little... roughed up places.

But, regardless, let's get to the heart of it.  I'm a little nervous that I'm the youngest person.  I think it shows in a lot of ways, and I definitely don't feel smart enough a lot of the time.  I don't feel like I know enough and I don't really know if my experiences are indeed as valuable as anyone else's.  I know my experiences inform my judgement, but I feel like what if I don't cut it?  What if I'm truly not fit for working in a school?

I just have so much anxiety and I don't know if I believe in myself.  

As meeting everyone (old teachers included), I just feel like I won't be seen as a full member of the faculty.  I'm afraid I won't get picked up because I'm not valuable enough to the school for that to happen.  I'm afraid I won't be good enough.  I know these are normal concerns, but I don't know, I guess when you're not the classroom teacher, you can feel reduced to a role that's so inconsequential that no one would even notice if you were there or not.

I don't want to be unnecessary at the end of the year.  I don't want to be a blip on the radar and need to move on to another school.  I want to be here.  I want them to want me to be there, and I want to work for them for a long time - I can just tell.  It gave me that impression already.

It doesn't help that I'm definitely the youngest person on staff.  The whole staff is, of course, young, but even most of the new teachers are in their mid-20s or up.  I am the only person at least a year under 25, and I wonder if that puts me in a place of like... ignorance and not entirely expected longevity.  I don't know.

I just have a lot of anxiety - and I'm worried that I'm not smart enough or not good enough to do this.  I wonder if I ever will feel smart enough or ready enough or good enough to do this work.  I guess that's where like... commitment comes in.  I committed to this and I need to believe in myself.  There's room for humility, of course, I do not know everything - I cannot know everything - and I must be open and willing to learn at every turn, but I also can't let it interfere with what I'm doing.   I can't let humility turn into cowardice, and I can't let my fear impact my commitment.  I just hope I can.

Second Day: Information Overload

Today was absolutely crazy!

We did all sorts of stuff to introduce us to data and data cycles at IMS.  It was super intense.

Like, it wasn't even examining real data, but it was talking about it and getting comfortable with it, and that was something like... totally crazy.  I didn't realize how much I liked that I knew things about data collection and analysis though, and I do have to thank my last position for that.  It really did help me today.

But, outside of that, we got our computers - I haven't played with mine yet, but I know I have to bring it tomorrow to do stuff at work, so I will be playing with it in the very near future.  We also did some lesson planning stuff in our department PD today, which was really helpful.  I love how things are done at my school - it's so student driven and guided, I just love that.

I did find out, however, that my cooperating teacher is not who I thought it was - in fact, I am actually with two different mentors - one of whom is also new, but not the original one I thought - and we'll be doing seventh grade writing.  He is a nice guy, has a kind of crazy sensibility about him - but I think he will push me and stretch me to be a lot more creative in the classroom.  I'm also working with another teacher who I will meet next week, and I'll be doing eighth grade reading with her.

I'm a little nervous, I won't lie.  I guess my anxiety is stemming from the fact that no one really knows what to do with me, haha.  I'm doing teacher orientation like an actual teacher, but I'm not technically one yet, and I'm glad for that - because I'm anxious and nervous about it, but I'm also afraid of being pushed to the back of the classroom to do nothing.  I don't think that will happen, but it's an anxiety nonetheless.

I am also afraid of not being held in as important a position as others, and of being used to do inane tasks, rather than actual instruction and the like.  But, ah well! We'll see what happens! I am going to be optimistic!

I'm stilling following my goals and being actively involved in things, as well as getting to know my mentor - though I might be a little behind on that one now!  I'll have to get to work more!

First Day Jitters: Conquered!

Hello there!

Just got home and started my routine for tomorrow!  Making coffee for the AM, doing dishes, trying to decide what I want to eat (I think I already know), and then pack part of a lunch for tomorrow.  There are so many different places nearby and everyone is trying them, so I figure I might as well too!  I'll just pack a yogurt and some granola and then get another thing tomorrow.

But, onto the important stuff!

I got there early (of course, haha) and everyone was super nice.

PD was definitely interesting, no time to really doze off or be tired - which was nice.  Some of it was very intellectual and there was some number crunching, which I wasn't prepared for, but it wasn't BAD.  It was just a lot - but a lot of information is good, in some ways.

I got to meet the new people in the humanities department (as well as some of the old people) and I can already tell I am going to learn a lot.  My schedule has me working with two seventh grade classes and one eighth grade, so that's something different, I didn't anticipate that.  I'm a little nervous, but also pumped because the people in charge of my day-to-day training are amazing.  VG, my main mentor teacher, is sooooo nice and a total book nerd - I think we're going to have a lot of FUN in our class.  Our room is HUGE - there are some random robot stickers on the wall, which were pretty funny, haha, and we have a wall of windows that look out at the church next door.

I don't know the other teacher I'm working with - she's the seventh grade one - for eighth, I think I might be working with the department head, who is super cool - I'm a little intimidated by him, but I know he has a LOT to teach me and he'll be a great model and person to go to as well as to look at for advice, so I'm excited.

So far, I think I am doing well with my goals, I did learn two things about my mentor today (more, actually!) and I was definitely "present" in PD today.  So, doing well on those goals - gotta keep up with them for the rest of the week though!

Other people are also really friendly, and I really like the people I've met so far - I can't wait to meet more people as the rest of the staff filters in and I will be even more excited to work with them as the year starts picking up.

Big project coming up in the next three weeks: Decorating the classroom!

First Day's Eve

Hello anyone reading!

Welcome to my blog, an experiment in reflection for my first full year in the classroom.  Before I get into that, I should explain 1) where my blog name came from and 2) what I'm doing.

1) Basket was my nickname during my Americorps program, and it's kind of stuck.  I quite like it, and well, Book is another nickname of mine - so I combined them.  2) I'm living in New York City and participating in a program - Urban Teaching Corps (you can check out their website here).  

As for living, my apartment is wonderful, I am fully in love with it and the area.  There is a bakery near my place that legitimately sells EVERYTHING for $1!  It's a blessing, and there are many grocery stores and places to get food, which was essential!  For the space that I can call mine, here are some pictures, though they are fresh from when I moved in and it is no longer as sparkly clean as it was - though I'm doing fairly well on the clean front!

Going more into the teaching portion: I'll be working with another teacher in their ELA classroom in a middle school in Inwood, basically at the top of Manhattan.  To preserve the safety and confidentiality of the school, my colleagues, my students, and their families, I will refer to my school as IMS (Inwood Middle School).  Remind me of that, I'll probably need it! Additionally, any names that get mentioned in this blog, outside of my own, of course, will be reduced to initials.

I was supposed to start a graduate school program this past week, but some stuff came up (mostly my already licensed self) and I no longer qualified, so I'm going to another program in the spring.  I'm rather happy for this, considering I'll have time to adjust to being in the classroom and the environment of my new school, as well as getting ready to go to school. I really have to fill out that application...

But, anyway, I have to say, I'm completely freaked out.  Tomorrow is the first day of teacher training and I'm both super excited and super nervous.  I want to make a good impression and I hope my mentor teacher likes me and is supportive.

Going into this experience, I want it to be completely different than student teaching was.  Through several presentations during our summer training, I know it's possible that I can set the mood and tone for what I want this year to look like, and for that, I am glad.  When I student taught, I don't think I had that mindset at all.  I also didn't go into an environment that necessarily wanted me (my cooperating school was begged, at the last minute, to take me because everything else fell through) and a teacher who did not necessarily see the opportunity as a time to teach me, but as a personal vacation for her.

This time, I am hoping for something different.  I have a variety of skills already, and I know that this year will strengthen them and give me new skills as well.

But, I want to start with something new, and fresh, so I want to set a goal for this week, which, I will be blogging about as I go!

For the week of August 5:
I would like to be present and attentive to all of our professional development sessions (as hard as that is) and learn at least 10 things (boiling down to 2 a day) about my cooperating teacher.

I'll let you know how things go tomorrow!
-Jessica