Today is my first real bad day.
I just want to cry.
Last night I went to a fundraising event in Midtown after a long day at work: I didn't leave the building until 7:15 PM. Then I went straight to the event. Everyone there looked like super models. I shit you not, I even heard one woman talking about runways, so if she wasn't a model: she's certainly been near them in real life. And I waltz in, disheveled, like a hot mess, and that's the start of a wonderful evening of feeling totally amazing about myself.
Then, I went home and went to bed. Nothing exciting.
Came in this morning, had no idea what I was doing and kind of just winged it. I helped out a colleague doing his copying, helped someone else do copying (yay glorified secretary) and started the day. It started so well, doing everything I needed to do, helping students who needed help, doing drawings and decorating - pulled out the stickers and had everyone going.
That was great.
Find out that later, our department head sat in on the class and hated it. Hated everything we'd been doing, wanted a more organic writing feeling to it. So, I felt a bit crushed, needless to say, since a lot of the past week has been my doing.
Then, the rest of the day continues.
We have an assembly. During class time.
That's a huge deal. Our school believes things about school and the importance of class time, so it's kind of insane that it happened that way. But we filed downstairs and the kids all got a talk based on the actions of some scholars in the community yesterday, as well as a bullying issue. It was sobering, and watching the principal and the students the way they were, it was devastating.
In addition, when we got back the whole grade was silent. We did journaling (thank God for writing class) and the kids were behaviorally good, but then the next class came in and I snapped at some of them, and I felt bad because I'm not that kind of person, and it just frustrates me that I let myself get that way when it wasn't even a class I was supposed to push into. I just feel so bad about the way I reacted, particularly with one student who probably didn't deserve my snap. I wrote her a note apologizing, but she barely read it and threw it back on the table, which made me feel worse because I ruined a relationship with a student.
I just feel so bad. Like, I didn't handle things right today and I feel bad about the kids, and I kind of feel homesick for some of the people I really miss from Boston. I'm kind of lonely too, I won't lie. Sigh.
I just suck.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Better Late Than Never: End Week 2/Begin Week 3
So this Friday was definitely the hardest I've dealt with so far. This morning wasn't bad, I watched a different teacher this morning, and I knew we had to do something different with our do nows. I just couldn't handle the constant screeching and terror that happens when they're doing their do nows. I want them to be quiet, to be writing, and actually getting stuff done. It's two weeks into school, that shouldn't be impossible.
If they're expected to do it in every single class, let's make it every single class.
So, I had to enforce it pretty strong and for my second class of the day. It was taking 25 minutes for the do now to happen. That is completely ridiculous because they know how to behave, and they can do it in five minutes without a problem. But they kept at it, and I stopped everyone. I told them that the next times I had to reset the clock, from that point on, was going to be one minute after school for every single time. And, of course, they pushed it and earned two minutes of detention after school. On a Friday.
It was really rough for them. They were sulky the whole rest of the period, but I didn't really have to do much in the way of classroom management. They were just blah. But, they didn't get upset, truly, they dealt with it because they knew they messed up. But, it sucks to have to be mean. I'm not really that kind of person, and I hope the kids know that.
Which leads me to discussing my goal for last week. It had been my intention and goal to get the kids into the room and silent within three minutes. I set up a challenge with the goal of getting LiveSchool money in their accounts. Neither of my classes were able to do it (though they got close). I reconfigured however, and now I have a better system. We just need to assign two notebook hand-out people for weekly jobs, so that not everyone is crowding the bookshelf and that things can be significantly less hectic as time goes by.
I think the five minutes of silence during the do now is going to work though, and that gives you a chance to catch up with the kids who really need that quiet - and a check-in to do their work.
We'll see how that goes this week.
I'm getting observed again on Wednesday, not sure of the time, but we'll see how that goes. Wish me luck!
If they're expected to do it in every single class, let's make it every single class.
So, I had to enforce it pretty strong and for my second class of the day. It was taking 25 minutes for the do now to happen. That is completely ridiculous because they know how to behave, and they can do it in five minutes without a problem. But they kept at it, and I stopped everyone. I told them that the next times I had to reset the clock, from that point on, was going to be one minute after school for every single time. And, of course, they pushed it and earned two minutes of detention after school. On a Friday.
It was really rough for them. They were sulky the whole rest of the period, but I didn't really have to do much in the way of classroom management. They were just blah. But, they didn't get upset, truly, they dealt with it because they knew they messed up. But, it sucks to have to be mean. I'm not really that kind of person, and I hope the kids know that.
Which leads me to discussing my goal for last week. It had been my intention and goal to get the kids into the room and silent within three minutes. I set up a challenge with the goal of getting LiveSchool money in their accounts. Neither of my classes were able to do it (though they got close). I reconfigured however, and now I have a better system. We just need to assign two notebook hand-out people for weekly jobs, so that not everyone is crowding the bookshelf and that things can be significantly less hectic as time goes by.
I think the five minutes of silence during the do now is going to work though, and that gives you a chance to catch up with the kids who really need that quiet - and a check-in to do their work.
We'll see how that goes this week.
I'm getting observed again on Wednesday, not sure of the time, but we'll see how that goes. Wish me luck!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Week Two (Thousand?)
This week has been a rough one so far, friends.
Kids are crazy. Let's be real: seventh grade kids are crazy.
I taught a lot this week, and that wasn't too bad, but I've felt like I've left every day with a sore throat because of the volume that I have to be at constantly. Our rooms have super high ceilings, so the din is always incredible, and beyond that sometimes you just have to yell to get their attention. It's really insane.
I also don't eat during the day, and I don't drink anything (because the water is almost always gone), so I am exhausted and dehydrated by the time I walk out. It's probably a very bad habit, and something I need to seriously work on, but honestly, it's not even the hunger that's a problem. I don't even notice. It's not drinking anything. I need to get better at that.
On the bright side, I've made a plethora of different outfits so far and all the girls constantly compliment me on my fashion sense, which is both great and troubling. On one hand, you wonder if you are chic - or on the other, if you dress like a 13 year old.
I like to think, however, that I am chic.
Other than that, I don't have much to report. I'm very tired and tonight is expectations night - basically where we tell the parents what we expect and give them a chance to ask questions. We'll see how that goes. Wish me luck!
Kids are crazy. Let's be real: seventh grade kids are crazy.
I taught a lot this week, and that wasn't too bad, but I've felt like I've left every day with a sore throat because of the volume that I have to be at constantly. Our rooms have super high ceilings, so the din is always incredible, and beyond that sometimes you just have to yell to get their attention. It's really insane.
I also don't eat during the day, and I don't drink anything (because the water is almost always gone), so I am exhausted and dehydrated by the time I walk out. It's probably a very bad habit, and something I need to seriously work on, but honestly, it's not even the hunger that's a problem. I don't even notice. It's not drinking anything. I need to get better at that.
On the bright side, I've made a plethora of different outfits so far and all the girls constantly compliment me on my fashion sense, which is both great and troubling. On one hand, you wonder if you are chic - or on the other, if you dress like a 13 year old.
I like to think, however, that I am chic.
Other than that, I don't have much to report. I'm very tired and tonight is expectations night - basically where we tell the parents what we expect and give them a chance to ask questions. We'll see how that goes. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
A Tale of Two Classrooms
Alright, so, today was definitely a tale of two classrooms. There were a LOT of challenges going into today:
With all of this in mind, I was told, like 40 minutes before the day started, that I'd be lead teaching two of the classes that I work with. This was a shock, because 1) I hadn't planned the lesson, so it was going with someone else's ideas, and 2) I haven't even like taught part of a lesson by myself up until this moment (at least here) and that was intense. So, I had those 40 minutes to prep the lesson for my style.
It was a lesson about developing real or imagined narratives. So, we were thinking of using pictures to help do that. I found 9 classic photographs (The Times Square War Kiss, Child Labor, The Peace Protesters putting flowers in the muzzles of guns, Civil Rights, etc). I used The War Kiss to model the activity, which was creating mind maps about the pictures, and then gave each group their own picture to make inferences to develop stories. Then, they would independently create those stories during the practice time.
My first class was the one that was being observed. I was wicked excited, because I had that cool idea, had everything done, and was ready to go. But, I was also nervous because of everything that was happening AND in the middle of class there was going to be a moment of silence. So, whatever they were doing, we'd have to stop dead and be silent, motionless, and reflective. That's a BIG challenge for seventh graders. I will admit, I was petrified. I had all sorts of alarms set to make sure the kids were ready to go and I was pacing myself.
About 15 minutes into class, one of my coaches walked in and it was *really* show time. They were EN FUEGO, seriously. It was beautiful. Granted, I told them that I was getting graded and that they had to be on their best behavior, but still. They were awesome. They participated actively in instruction, they were all raising their hands and desired to be called on. They wanted to be part of what we were doing, and when the group activity part started, it was magic. They were all making inferences like crazy. It was beautiful. They were writing, things were going great.
Then, noon happened. It was so hot today and the building got absolutely disgusting. The kids were so unhappy and everything was a mess. I mean, it wasn't terrible. It was just... loud and rowdy. I just can't hear the kids in the room because it's so echo-y and there are at least 30 kids in each class. It was just very long and I had been standing for three hours, so my feet were aching and I wanted to die.
The second half of the day is just... violent on my feet.
But, funny story from the playground, haha. My co-teacher was going to get coffee and he asked me if I wanted one (iced, obviously) - and he delivered it to me on the playground, which was actually the nicest thing in the world - but the kids were like "OOOOOH MISS! HE YOUR BOYFRIEND?! OOOOOH MISSSSSSSS!" It was awkward and funny. Mostly awkward.
Now, I'm just tired.
Alright, I can't be too thoughtful tonight, I just wanted to write something down.
- It was almost a hundred degrees in NYC.
- It is the 12th Anniversary of 9/11.
- I thought I was having a sort of formal observation
- Some of the classes have been buck wild for the past couple of days.
With all of this in mind, I was told, like 40 minutes before the day started, that I'd be lead teaching two of the classes that I work with. This was a shock, because 1) I hadn't planned the lesson, so it was going with someone else's ideas, and 2) I haven't even like taught part of a lesson by myself up until this moment (at least here) and that was intense. So, I had those 40 minutes to prep the lesson for my style.
It was a lesson about developing real or imagined narratives. So, we were thinking of using pictures to help do that. I found 9 classic photographs (The Times Square War Kiss, Child Labor, The Peace Protesters putting flowers in the muzzles of guns, Civil Rights, etc). I used The War Kiss to model the activity, which was creating mind maps about the pictures, and then gave each group their own picture to make inferences to develop stories. Then, they would independently create those stories during the practice time.
My first class was the one that was being observed. I was wicked excited, because I had that cool idea, had everything done, and was ready to go. But, I was also nervous because of everything that was happening AND in the middle of class there was going to be a moment of silence. So, whatever they were doing, we'd have to stop dead and be silent, motionless, and reflective. That's a BIG challenge for seventh graders. I will admit, I was petrified. I had all sorts of alarms set to make sure the kids were ready to go and I was pacing myself.
About 15 minutes into class, one of my coaches walked in and it was *really* show time. They were EN FUEGO, seriously. It was beautiful. Granted, I told them that I was getting graded and that they had to be on their best behavior, but still. They were awesome. They participated actively in instruction, they were all raising their hands and desired to be called on. They wanted to be part of what we were doing, and when the group activity part started, it was magic. They were all making inferences like crazy. It was beautiful. They were writing, things were going great.
Then, noon happened. It was so hot today and the building got absolutely disgusting. The kids were so unhappy and everything was a mess. I mean, it wasn't terrible. It was just... loud and rowdy. I just can't hear the kids in the room because it's so echo-y and there are at least 30 kids in each class. It was just very long and I had been standing for three hours, so my feet were aching and I wanted to die.
The second half of the day is just... violent on my feet.
But, funny story from the playground, haha. My co-teacher was going to get coffee and he asked me if I wanted one (iced, obviously) - and he delivered it to me on the playground, which was actually the nicest thing in the world - but the kids were like "OOOOOH MISS! HE YOUR BOYFRIEND?! OOOOOH MISSSSSSSS!" It was awkward and funny. Mostly awkward.
Now, I'm just tired.
Alright, I can't be too thoughtful tonight, I just wanted to write something down.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
The (Second) First Day
So yesterday was kind of a whirlwind. I needed the night to process, reflect, and SLEEP.
Starting with some positives, seeing kids after a while off was great. They are so sweet, and the class I worked with over Leadership Week, when they came to writing class, was accusing me of being a traitor because I wasn't in reading class with them: not maliciously, of course, but kids don't know how to voice displeasure that you are not with them. I worked out with my mentor/their homeroom teacher that I could come in for advisory twice a week on my off periods. Depending on what comes up, I am definitely going to try and make it to them once a week, at least, just to be involved and participate.
The day itself was good.
Classes were really good. Kids were, of course, pushing things, but it is their nature. The classes I was working with were great, they wanted to do things. My end of the day class was a little bit of a hot mess, but only because it was the end of the day and we forgot the class was shortened so we didn't get to the crux of what we wanted to, but it was okay because the kids were silently reading and that was awesome, especially after the little bit of a tug of war to get them to do it.
The only terrible part was recess. It's two hours of awful. We spend 80 minutes of it just walking to and from the park, and the remaining 40 minutes standing around. It works out to each class walking to and back from the park for 20 minutes and having between 5-10 minutes outside to play. It seems completely ridiculous. One of the other TAs seemed just as boggled about it as I was, because it was just riling the kids up to bring them right back inside. I'm just not about recess.
After the day was over, I didn't really have much to do, so I packed up and left around 5, but I headed to the front office to drop off the walkie talkie I needed to get (Ugh - they're such a pain to carry around) and the head of the Humanities department was there, and he asked about my day, and I let him know that the day itself was good, but I was having some problems with other things, and I got to talk to him about the frustrations I was feeling.
I think the following quote really sums up some of the things I was feeling about my lack of responsibilities and seemingly productive work:
I'm ready to be responsible for something, at the very least, and thus, I'm itching for something productive to do, but don't have it. He asked me to send him an email summing up our convo and he would work on it. It feels good to have someone else on it too, considering all of my attempts thus far have fallen flat.
But now (I just realized I forgot to put make-up on this morning. Yikes...) it's weekly goal time. I think my goal this week is to survive, haha. By that, I mean be flexible, do what I'm asked, and make my presence helpful to both the students and the teachers. I don't really have expectations beyond that, except that I'm getting observed tomorrow, and that's it's own dilemma. I've resigned myself to that one, however, and I know I am not going to score well. I am hoping for twos, to be honest. That's at least "developing."
Now, onto Day 2. Wish me luck!
Starting with some positives, seeing kids after a while off was great. They are so sweet, and the class I worked with over Leadership Week, when they came to writing class, was accusing me of being a traitor because I wasn't in reading class with them: not maliciously, of course, but kids don't know how to voice displeasure that you are not with them. I worked out with my mentor/their homeroom teacher that I could come in for advisory twice a week on my off periods. Depending on what comes up, I am definitely going to try and make it to them once a week, at least, just to be involved and participate.
The day itself was good.
Classes were really good. Kids were, of course, pushing things, but it is their nature. The classes I was working with were great, they wanted to do things. My end of the day class was a little bit of a hot mess, but only because it was the end of the day and we forgot the class was shortened so we didn't get to the crux of what we wanted to, but it was okay because the kids were silently reading and that was awesome, especially after the little bit of a tug of war to get them to do it.
The only terrible part was recess. It's two hours of awful. We spend 80 minutes of it just walking to and from the park, and the remaining 40 minutes standing around. It works out to each class walking to and back from the park for 20 minutes and having between 5-10 minutes outside to play. It seems completely ridiculous. One of the other TAs seemed just as boggled about it as I was, because it was just riling the kids up to bring them right back inside. I'm just not about recess.
After the day was over, I didn't really have much to do, so I packed up and left around 5, but I headed to the front office to drop off the walkie talkie I needed to get (Ugh - they're such a pain to carry around) and the head of the Humanities department was there, and he asked about my day, and I let him know that the day itself was good, but I was having some problems with other things, and I got to talk to him about the frustrations I was feeling.
I think the following quote really sums up some of the things I was feeling about my lack of responsibilities and seemingly productive work:
"Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I'm ready to be responsible for something, at the very least, and thus, I'm itching for something productive to do, but don't have it. He asked me to send him an email summing up our convo and he would work on it. It feels good to have someone else on it too, considering all of my attempts thus far have fallen flat.
But now (I just realized I forgot to put make-up on this morning. Yikes...) it's weekly goal time. I think my goal this week is to survive, haha. By that, I mean be flexible, do what I'm asked, and make my presence helpful to both the students and the teachers. I don't really have expectations beyond that, except that I'm getting observed tomorrow, and that's it's own dilemma. I've resigned myself to that one, however, and I know I am not going to score well. I am hoping for twos, to be honest. That's at least "developing."
Now, onto Day 2. Wish me luck!
Monday, September 2, 2013
Eye of the Hurricane
So, I'm reporting in the middle of my break from school.
Last week I took two of my New York State exams (I still have one more to take before I get my full conditional license). The LAST (Liberal Arts and Science Test) was not so bad. The writing sample was pretty easy, and the questions weren't too ridiculous. I took it on the computer which was difficult, but I managed it because they gave us white board type things to take it with. I used a TON of pages to take the test, but I wanted to make sure that I got stuff right. Like I said, that one wasn't terrible.
The Social Studies CST (Content Specialization Test - I think that's right) was SO hard. Like mind numbingly hard. There were so many questions about economics and human geography. I wanted to cry. I used a ton of the pages on that white board packet as well. The questions were just so difficult, I couldn't believe it. The writing part, surprisingly, was super easy - which I was thankful for. However, that won't matter much if I don't pass the whole test.
If I have to take it again I will be seriously lost. Not only is it an expensive test, but it takes a ton of time (I was in the testing center for almost five hours for both), and there are limited dates. Also part of this is the fact that I have to take another test in addition to those, and I won't know the results for a month. If I don't pass, I won't be able to apply to graduate school because I won't have my license, and then I won't be able to be in the teaching corps anymore because I won't be filling the requirements of being a member.
It's so stressful.
I had lunch with a friend from UTC and hearing how she and her co-teacher have set up a relationship was so awesome, but kind of disheartening. She is viewed as equivalent to the teacher, she teaches full parts of the lessons, and has it together in so many ways. I'm still struggling with figuring out where my role in the classroom is and how my co-teachers view me/utilize me.
That brings me to the biggest anxiety of all: I have two observations this month, one in the first week of school. I'm not lead teacher in my classroom, so I know I won't score very well because we're being evaluated on the Danielson rubric and it's really clear about the expectations it sets up for the evaluation process, and some of the categories just don't even apply to my position right now, so I can't score well on them. I recognize that I cannot start strong.
I do not know everything, I cannot be anything other than basic or developing at this point, really, but that doesn't mean it makes me feel good. I just wish I could be stronger. I wish I could be better.
As someone who has always tied her self worth to the numbers on a rubric, or the grade on a transcript/report card, the idea of failure is so difficult to swallow. I hate failing. I know I have to work with what I have and do my best with the things I can do... I've never been distinguished as a bottom member of a pack before... I've always been in the front, a leader.
I won't be that now. I'm going to suck. I'm going to suck really hard. And then I have to be okay with how much I suck and keep going. I've never been good at that. Usually, when I suck at something, I give up, and I'm not allowed to give up here. I don't really want to give up. I just know it's going to hurt, and I have to prepare to deal with that hurt. I just have to keep telling myself that.
I'm reminded of the AA motto:
Last week I took two of my New York State exams (I still have one more to take before I get my full conditional license). The LAST (Liberal Arts and Science Test) was not so bad. The writing sample was pretty easy, and the questions weren't too ridiculous. I took it on the computer which was difficult, but I managed it because they gave us white board type things to take it with. I used a TON of pages to take the test, but I wanted to make sure that I got stuff right. Like I said, that one wasn't terrible.
The Social Studies CST (Content Specialization Test - I think that's right) was SO hard. Like mind numbingly hard. There were so many questions about economics and human geography. I wanted to cry. I used a ton of the pages on that white board packet as well. The questions were just so difficult, I couldn't believe it. The writing part, surprisingly, was super easy - which I was thankful for. However, that won't matter much if I don't pass the whole test.
If I have to take it again I will be seriously lost. Not only is it an expensive test, but it takes a ton of time (I was in the testing center for almost five hours for both), and there are limited dates. Also part of this is the fact that I have to take another test in addition to those, and I won't know the results for a month. If I don't pass, I won't be able to apply to graduate school because I won't have my license, and then I won't be able to be in the teaching corps anymore because I won't be filling the requirements of being a member.
It's so stressful.
I had lunch with a friend from UTC and hearing how she and her co-teacher have set up a relationship was so awesome, but kind of disheartening. She is viewed as equivalent to the teacher, she teaches full parts of the lessons, and has it together in so many ways. I'm still struggling with figuring out where my role in the classroom is and how my co-teachers view me/utilize me.
That brings me to the biggest anxiety of all: I have two observations this month, one in the first week of school. I'm not lead teacher in my classroom, so I know I won't score very well because we're being evaluated on the Danielson rubric and it's really clear about the expectations it sets up for the evaluation process, and some of the categories just don't even apply to my position right now, so I can't score well on them. I recognize that I cannot start strong.
I do not know everything, I cannot be anything other than basic or developing at this point, really, but that doesn't mean it makes me feel good. I just wish I could be stronger. I wish I could be better.
As someone who has always tied her self worth to the numbers on a rubric, or the grade on a transcript/report card, the idea of failure is so difficult to swallow. I hate failing. I know I have to work with what I have and do my best with the things I can do... I've never been distinguished as a bottom member of a pack before... I've always been in the front, a leader.
I won't be that now. I'm going to suck. I'm going to suck really hard. And then I have to be okay with how much I suck and keep going. I've never been good at that. Usually, when I suck at something, I give up, and I'm not allowed to give up here. I don't really want to give up. I just know it's going to hurt, and I have to prepare to deal with that hurt. I just have to keep telling myself that.
I'm reminded of the AA motto:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
Maybe I should write it on my arm for the next two weeks...
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