The First Bad Day

Today is my first real bad day.

I just want to cry.

Last night I went to a fundraising event in Midtown after a long day at work: I didn't leave the building until 7:15 PM.  Then I went straight to the event.  Everyone there looked like super models.  I shit you not, I even heard one woman talking about runways, so if she wasn't a model: she's certainly been near them in real life.  And I waltz in, disheveled, like a hot mess, and that's the start of a wonderful evening of feeling totally amazing about myself.

Then, I went home and went to bed.  Nothing exciting.

Came in this morning, had no idea what I was doing and kind of just winged it.  I helped out a colleague doing his copying, helped someone else do copying (yay glorified secretary) and started the day.  It started so well, doing everything I needed to do, helping students who needed help, doing drawings and decorating - pulled out the stickers and had everyone going.

That was great.

Find out that later, our department head sat in on the class and hated it.  Hated everything we'd been doing, wanted a more organic writing feeling to it.  So, I felt a bit crushed, needless to say, since a lot of the past week has been my doing.

Then, the rest of the day continues.

We have an assembly. During class time.

That's a huge deal.  Our school believes things about school and the importance of class time, so it's kind of insane that it happened that way.  But we filed downstairs and the kids all got a talk based on the actions of some scholars in the community yesterday, as well as a bullying issue.  It was sobering, and watching the principal and the students the way they were, it was devastating.

In addition, when we got back the whole grade was silent.  We did journaling (thank God for writing class) and the kids were behaviorally good, but then the next class came in and I snapped at some of them, and I felt bad because I'm not that kind of person, and it just frustrates me that I let myself get that way when it wasn't even a class I was supposed to push into.  I just feel so bad about the way I reacted, particularly with one student who probably didn't deserve my snap.  I wrote her a note apologizing, but she barely read it and threw it back on the table, which made me feel worse because I ruined a relationship with a student.

I just feel so bad.  Like, I didn't handle things right today and I feel bad about the kids, and I kind of feel homesick for some of the people I really miss from Boston.  I'm kind of lonely too, I won't lie.  Sigh.

I just suck.