Day Three: Digging Deeper

So today we went out for drinks after work, and I feel like that's the place I'm writing from right now, because we got to know one another so much better and talk and really explore where we were each from and how that impacts us and stuff - and I really appreciate everyone I work with.

Like, the experiences are so unique, and despite everyone being different, experiences are valued and understood to be unique - and that's a cool working environment.  On the flip side, of course, earlier today, I witnessed a very uncomfortable exchange between colleagues about differences in management styles that was very... hard.  I was not directly involved (as I choose to avoid confrontation), but I watched it happen, and I definitely understood where some feelings were a little... roughed up places.

But, regardless, let's get to the heart of it.  I'm a little nervous that I'm the youngest person.  I think it shows in a lot of ways, and I definitely don't feel smart enough a lot of the time.  I don't feel like I know enough and I don't really know if my experiences are indeed as valuable as anyone else's.  I know my experiences inform my judgement, but I feel like what if I don't cut it?  What if I'm truly not fit for working in a school?

I just have so much anxiety and I don't know if I believe in myself.  

As meeting everyone (old teachers included), I just feel like I won't be seen as a full member of the faculty.  I'm afraid I won't get picked up because I'm not valuable enough to the school for that to happen.  I'm afraid I won't be good enough.  I know these are normal concerns, but I don't know, I guess when you're not the classroom teacher, you can feel reduced to a role that's so inconsequential that no one would even notice if you were there or not.

I don't want to be unnecessary at the end of the year.  I don't want to be a blip on the radar and need to move on to another school.  I want to be here.  I want them to want me to be there, and I want to work for them for a long time - I can just tell.  It gave me that impression already.

It doesn't help that I'm definitely the youngest person on staff.  The whole staff is, of course, young, but even most of the new teachers are in their mid-20s or up.  I am the only person at least a year under 25, and I wonder if that puts me in a place of like... ignorance and not entirely expected longevity.  I don't know.

I just have a lot of anxiety - and I'm worried that I'm not smart enough or not good enough to do this.  I wonder if I ever will feel smart enough or ready enough or good enough to do this work.  I guess that's where like... commitment comes in.  I committed to this and I need to believe in myself.  There's room for humility, of course, I do not know everything - I cannot know everything - and I must be open and willing to learn at every turn, but I also can't let it interfere with what I'm doing.   I can't let humility turn into cowardice, and I can't let my fear impact my commitment.  I just hope I can.